help my unbelief

Confessions of a Ragamuffin (inspired by good conversation tonight at Ben & Jerrys)

/ Ragamuffingospelfan / 2 Comments

BJEverythingButthe...

My greatest fear is that people will find out who I really am deep down inside and will leave me and want nothing else to do with me. I project my own self-condemnation onto others and believe that they are angry with me or upset with me or have written me off when it is just me that is not liking me.

Most of the time, I feel the constant need to be approved, affirmed and admired by everyone and my biggest peeve is to be ignored (or to feel that I am ignored). I try to be all spiritual and come across as so very wise and super-saint, when many times the words coming out of my mouth feel like hay and rubble that will not stand the test of the fire. I say I trust in God, but I am almost always working on a backup plan in case God fails me and does not come through for me. I am a mess.

I am also beloved by the God who knows all this about me and more. He was not willing that I should perish, but that I should come to repentence and He will not ever stop loving me. I am blessed. I have been blessed with every spiritual blessing in the heavenlies (so why do I still want more?). I am becoming who God has already declared me to be. I am constantly amazed just about every single day at the extreme lengths God will go to in order to prove Himself to me through friends, circumstances, reminders and (most importantly) through His Word.

Thank you to my friends who have inspired me by their honesty and willingness to be naked emotionally and spiritually. Your words and actions make me want to be more like my Jesus. You help pull me out of myself (notice how many “I”s are in this blog) and keep me wanting to live for a kingdom bigger than my own. You will never ever know how you have blessed me. I feel like I have given one tenth of what you have given me, but I want to do more.

So who am I? I am not my weaknesses or my strengths. My greatest strengths apart from God become my biggest weaknesses and the biggest obstacles to me being who God wants me to be. My greatest weaknesses in the hands of God will turn into His perfect strength working in and through me to impact the world around me. I am BELOVED, BLESSED and BECOMING LIKE JESUS. My Abba is very fond of me.

As always, I believe. Help my unbelief.

Disappointment with people

/ Ragamuffingospelfan / 1 Comment

Head in Hands

I have to admit that sometimes I am disappointed in people in general. I feel like just about everyone I know (including me) has at one point let me down. I think I’m getting to know someone and build a camaraderie and then a wall goes up. People go absent and silent on me and I can’t get through to them. Then I had a discovery. The only times I am disappointed with people are the times they have become an idol in my life.

More specifically, my constant need for approval and attention becomes an idol. The problem is that my expectations of people are unrealistic. Only God can be 100% faithful and never waiver. People waiver because they are human and frail and fallible.

I know I have let people down many times. I have let myself down countless times. Unless I intentionally do something to break the cycle, I can become very bitter and cynical and withdrawn.

Jesus, You know what is in the hearts of people and You still love them unconditionally. Help me to see others the way You do. I can’t love at all, much less unconditionally, apart from Your love in me.

If no one reads this post, will I be embittered and disappointed? Apart from the grace of God, yes. It’s very hard to not put your trust in people who you can see and then place that trust in a God you can’t see. That’s why it’s called faith.

As always, I believe. Lord, help my unbelief.

My prayer for tonight after Kairos

/ Ragamuffingospelfan / 1 Comment

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Lord, you have ravished me body and soul. With one look of your eye, you have enraptured my heart and enlarged my vision of You. You have absolutely ruined me for the ordinary and the routine.

Lord, help me to be obedient to you, no matter what the cost. May I go where you send me and be who You call me to be. I want to obey You wholeheartedly and completely, even if no one else notices, because You will notice. I want to follow You, even if those around me disown me or ignore me, because You will never disown me or leave me. Never.

Teach me to love the way You love me. Break my heart for what breaks Yours. Make me Your hands and feet to touch those hurting, lost, and lonely people around me. Transform my heart until it beats with your heartbeat. Transform my eyes until I see that Your plan is for the whole world and not just my little world.

I want my faith to be more than words and professions of love to You. I want to be more than moved and inspired at times; I want to be radically changed from the inside out. I choose to trust You, whether or not I feel it or understand You.

Even if I must go alone, I want to follow You wherever and however You lead.

As always, I believe, but help my unbelief.