grief

Grief

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I know recently we’ve had several celebrities pass away. I personally know of several friends (mostly of my parents’ age) who have lost loved ones.

Conventional wisdom says that you should grieve for an appropriate time then move on with your life.

I say (and I can’t say that I can speak from firsthand experience) that you don’t get over a loss like that. How can you go back to functioning normally with half of your heart missing?

I’ve heard adjusting to the loss of a spouse is like learning to live without one of your limbs. It requires adapting to a new normal. Nothing will ever be like it was. You will never be like you were when you were two. The hurt will never completely go away. But neither will the memories.

I also know some people who have had to bury their children. I can’t even begin to imagine how you go on after experiencing a loss like that. I suppose that only the strength God gives and that peace that passes understanding are the only things that sustain people though the death of a son or a daughter.

I can say with certainty that Jesus was well acquainted with the pain of loss. Isaiah 53 describes Him as a Man Acquainted with Sorrow and Familiar with Grief.

Above all, God knows about loss. He was the one who sacrificed His only Son so that you and I might have forgiveness and healing and life. So that death would no longer have the final say ever again.

So don’t let anybody tell you that you have to stop grieving after a certain point. If you grieve, it’s only because you had something beautiful, if only for a little while, and that’s not easy to part with. Goodbyes should never be easy.

I know in the end that nothing good and true is ever really lost. Because of Jesus and Easter, we know that death and grief and loss are only temporary. It’s love and hope and joy that are eternal.

 

Something That Spoke to Me

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I read this yesterday and I’m still thinking about it. It’s what C. S. Lewis wrote after his wife died after battling cancer. What spoke to me so much wasn’t as much the grief (although I have known that all too well), but the part of not being able to hear God speak to you because you’re too frantic to listen. We’ve all at some point been stressed and overwhelmed to the point where we can’t hear what anybody else is saying to us, much less God.

Here’s what he said:

“Why has no one told me these things? How easily I might have misjudged another man in the same situation? I might have said, ‘He’s got over it. He’s forgotten his wife,’ when the truth was, ‘He remembers her better because he has partly got over it.’

Such was the fact. And I believe I can make sense out of it. You can’t see anything properly while your eyes are blurred with tears. You can’t, in most things, get what you want if you want it too desperately: anyway, you can’t get the best out of it. ‘Now! Let’s have a real good talk’ reduces everyone to silence. ‘I must get a good sleep tonight’ ushers in hours of wakefulness. Delicious drinks are wasted on a really ravenous thirst. Is it similarly the very intensity of the longing that draws the iron curtain, that makes us feel we are staring into a vacuum when we think about our dead? ‘Them as asks’ (at any rate ‘as asks too importunately’) don’t get. Perhaps can’t.

And so, perhaps, with God. I have gradually been coming to feel that the door is no longer shut and bolted. Was it my own frantic need that slammed it in my face? The time when there is nothing at all in your soul except a cry for help may be just the time when God can’t give it: you are like the drowning man who can’t be helped because he clutches and grabs. Perhaps your own reiterated cries deafen you to the voice you hoped to hear.”

Be Encouraged. B-E Encouraged.

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“God didn’t set us up for an angry rejection but for salvation by our Master, Jesus Christ. He died for us, a death that triggered life. Whether we’re awake with the living or asleep with the dead, we’re alive with him! So speak encouraging words to one another. Build up hope so you’ll all be together in this, no one left out, no one left behind. I know you’re already doing this; just keep on doing it” (1 Thessalonians 5:11, The Message).

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to read this verse aloud at least once a day for the next five days. Unless you feel really weird reading it aloud, in which case you may read it in your “inside-your-head” voice. You have my permission.

Remember, Jesus didn’t die to give us a get out of hell free card. It isn’t about something that’s waiting in the bye and bye.

It’s here and now. It’s life– abundant and full and overflowing life– right now.

Some of us are having a hard time remembering that right now. Some feel so weighed down by grief or stress or despair that it’s hard to feel alive. It’s hard to live abundantly when you feel as if all you’ve been doing is treading water to stay afloat in the flood.

That’s why Paul tells us to encourage each other. He didn’t say think good thoughts toward each other and have the best intentions to let them know that their in your prayers. No. He said to actively encourage them through any and all means at your disposal, whether that be pen and paper, face-to-face affirmation, smoke signals, social media, or morse code.

Who needs your encouragement most? Who is God putting on your heart? Your real mission is to encourage that person in a real and tangible way in the next 24 hours. Go!

 

The New Normal

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I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the new normal.

It’s when something forever alters your landscape and everything else after will be different. You have to adjust to the way things are now.

For me, my new normal started when I lost my job three years ago. It was a totally out of the blue, unexpected event and changed a lot of things for me. I can say for certain that I am not that same person who got downsized from Affinion Benefits Group on May 22, 2012.

For you, it may be a job loss. It could be moving across town or across the state or even halfway across the country. It could be a career change. Or it might be the death of a parent, spouse, or child. Even the loss of a pet can trigger a new normal.

One comfort for me has always been that whatever the new normal looks like, one thing remains from the old normal– God. He’s the same in the new normal as He was in the old and will be in the new new normal.

God loves me just as much in the new normal as He always did. He has the same good plans for me, the same promise that He will work all things together for my good, the same peace that passes all understanding, the same everything.

I admit that change scares me. I like having the routine that I can occasionally break free from when I’m feeling spontaneous. I like having the people in my life, knowing they are around.

I try not to obsess over when and how my normal will likely change in the future. I want to be present to where God has me with who He has in my life while they’re still in my life.

Thank you, God, for my life. Forgive me if I take it or any of Your other gifts for granted. Forgive me if I don’t love it enough or love you enough.

As always, I believe. Lord, help my unbelief.

 

Something Else Borrowed

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As you know, I try to keep these blogs original and share my own thoughts from my own head written by my own hand (or more accurately, typed with my four fingers). But occasionally I read something that I know I have to share because it is so good and also because it speaks to me so loudly and powerfully that I know it will speak to some of you in the same way.

Forgive me if this is violating some kind of copyright laws. I will give credit to where credit is due and not claim any of the following as my own:

“…. so, yeah, turns out there’s absolutely nothing in those Words of Yours, God, that says it at all:

“Blessed are the rich in money & wealthy in mind & lavish in body & extravagant in stuff, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

You just quietly said:
“Blessed are the poor in spirit, the needy in spirit, the weary at the end of their rope, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven — for theirs is the gift of getting to be tied close to Me.”

And You didn’t say either, “Blessed are those who live comfortable, who buy comfort, who want creature comforts, for they will be comforted.”

You just quietly said:
“Blessed are those who mourn, those who ache with grief, those who weep for losses of loved ones & dreams, for they shall be comforted– for they shall wake to being held by One who Loves them beyond their wildest dreams.”

And You didn’t mention it anywhere: “Blessed are the big shots with the big lights wearing the big names, driving the big cars, living in the big digs, for they shall inherit the earth.”

You just quietly said: “Blessed are the meek, the humble, the content-with-who-they-are, the simple and down to earth, for they will inherit the earth, they will find themselves with an inheritance as rich as the oceans, as glorious as the mountain peaks, as abundant as all the harvests of the whole earth.”

Nowhere, anywhere did You say, “Blessed are those who hunger for a bigger house, who starve for more applause, who thirst for more ease, more acceptance, more status, more convenience, for they will be satisfied.”

You just quietly said: “Blessed are those who hunger for rightness and goodness, who are famished for justice, who are starved for generous helpings of grace and truth and love, who have a wild appetite for more of God — for they will be satisfied, they will be fed the best things till they are deeply fulfilled.”

Oh. oh.

So tonight, Lord? Your ragamuffin people bow their heads… & our hearts turn upside down to everything we know — and upright to You, and to Your upside down ways, and we whisper our brave Amens to the coming of the Upside Down Kingdom here —
and in us” (Ann Voskamp, from something she posted earlier today on Facebook).

‪#‎HonestBravePrayers‬ ‪#‎SharingRealPrayerTogether‬ (also from Ann Voskamp)

Although I’d say not that the Kingdom is upside down, but that the world is upside down and the Kingdom will put it Right Side Up Again. But that’s probably po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

O Captain! My Captain! Part II

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I’m currently watching Dead Poets Society, featuring the late Robin Williams. It’s one of my favorites but I hadn’t seen it in a very long time. I don’t have a good reason for that. I’m just stating a fact.

In it, Robin Williams references a poem by Walt Whitman written in honor of the late Abraham Lincoln just after his assasination. It seems very fitting in tribute to Mr. Williams now.

“O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done,
The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won,
The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring;

But O heart! heart! heart!
O the bleeding drops of red,
Where on the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.

O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;
Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills,
For you bouquets and ribbon’d wreaths—for you the shores a-crowding,
For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;

Here Captain! dear father!
This arm beneath your head!
It is some dream that on the deck,
You’ve fallen cold and dead.

My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still,
My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will,
The ship is anchor’d safe and sound, its voyage closed and done,
From fearful trip the victor ship comes in with object won;

Exult O shores, and ring O bells!
But I with mournful tread,
Walk the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.”

Still Yet Another Good Reminder

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“Sorrow cannot steal our faith or even cause it to be lost; betrayal and loss steal our faith only when we refuse to remember, tell our stories, listen even as we tell them, and explore the meaning that God has woven into every one. If we want to grow in faith we must be open to listening to our own stories, perhaps familiar or forgotten, where we have not mined the rich deposit of God’s presence. With better eyes and ears we will sense how God has worked to redeem even our most tragic experiences” (Dan Allender, The Healing Path).

I don’t know why I gravitated to this quote. I’m not dealing with any kind of loss or grief or even sadness, yet these words spoke deeply to me.

Maybe because I realize lately how fragile life is and how easily those we love can slip away from us, how quickly those little babies grow up and leave home, how fleeting are the days.

The most tragic remembrance in the end will be how we took so many people for granted and left words of love and gratitude unspoken. In the end we will not treasure our trophies or promotions or rewards, but the relationships that made us come alive and be better people.

So all that from a quote I stole from someone on Facebook.

Music I Heard: For All The Ones I’ve Lost

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While this year for me is a happy time, it’s also brings a bit of sadness with it. The memories of those I’ve loved and lost come more alive at this time of year than at any other time. I’ve been thinking about a particular poem by Conrad Aiken that makes me think of family members whom I wish I could talk to but never will again this side of heaven:

“Music I heard with you was more than music,
And bread I broke with you was more than bread;
Now that I am without you, all is desolate;
All that was once so beautiful is dead.

Your hands once touched this table and this silver,
And I have seen your fingers hold this glass.
These things do not remember you, beloved,
And yet your touch upon them will not pass.

For it was in my heart that you moved among them,
And blessed them with your hands and with your eyes;
And in my heart they will remember always, –
They knew you once, O beautiful and wise.”

The good news is that there is the other side of heaven where I WILL see all these people again. And Jesus will be there to wipe away every tear from my (and everyone else’s) eyes.

 

Letting The Door Close for Good

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I have a picture on my iPhone. It’s me with a friend at Centennial Park, under a picture-perfect summer night sky. I have my arm around her and we’re both smiling. We have just been swing dancing and having a grand time. We look like such good friends.

I had that picture. Up until tonight. I deleted it. I let that proverbial door close. You know. The one almost closed but barely held open by one of those rubbery door stop thingys? The one that once it’s closed you can never re-open?

It’s now closed. I believe her chapter in my life is over. I prayed my goodbyes and grieved over the friendship’s end. My next steps are moving on.

It’s not like she’s a bad person or even that the friendship was wrong. But I think sometimes you have to let go of something that was good– or even very good– in the past to be able to receive God’s future best.

Sometimes you have to say goodbye to your dream in order that God can dream a bigger and better dream in and for you.

So I’m letting a few things — and a few people– go. I hold no bitterness and no more regrets. I cherish the memories but realize that I must move on as they have already moved on.

I can’t wait to see what God has in store for me in the coming weeks and months, but I know it will be good. I love the imagery in this quote from a book I’m currently reading:

““So here’s my thought: Your best thought on your best day falls 15.5 billion light-years short of how great and how good God really is. Even the most brilliant among us underestimate God by 15.5 billion light-years. God is able to do 15.5 billion light-years beyond what you can ask or imagine” (Mark Batterson, The Circle Maker).

A Beautiful Puritan Prayer

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“O God of Grace,
Thou hast imputed my sin to my substitute,
and hast imputed his righteousness to my soul,
clothing me with bridegroom’s robe,
decking me with jewels of holiness.
But in my Christian walk I am still in rags;
my best prayers are stained with sin;
my penitential tears are so much impurity;
my confessions of wrong are so many aggravations of sin;
my receiving the Spirit is tinctured with selfishness.
I need to repent of my repentance;
I need my tears to be washed;
I have no robe to bring to cover my sins,
no loom to weave my own righteousness;
I am always standing clothed in filthy garments,
and by grace am always receiving change of raiment,
for thou dost always justify the ungodly;
I am always going into the far country,
and always returning home as a prodigal,
always saying, Father, forgive me,
and thou art always bringing forth the best robe.
Every morning let me wear it,
every evening return in it,
go out to the day’s work in it,
be married in it,
be wound in death in it,
stand before the great white throne in it,
enter heaven in it shining as the sun.
Grant me never to lose sight of
the exceeding sinfulness of sin,
the exceeding righteousness of salvation,
the exceeding glory of Christ,
the exceeding beauty of holiness,
the exceeding wonder of grace.”

From The Valley of Vision – A collection of Puritan Prayers & Devotions
Edited by Arthur Bennett