friendship

The Kind of Friend I Want to Be

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I get it. I’m an idealist at heart. I have good motives (most of the time), but lousy execution (some of the time). On the way home from Movies in the Park, I got to thinking again what kind of friend I want to be. I apologize in advance if some or all of this is a repeat.

I want to be that friend who never gives up on you. I want to extend forgiveness and second chances to you as many times as God did for me. Which is quite a lot, I can tell you.

I want to be that friend who believes the best in you even when you can’t see it yourself. I’ve had those friends who did that for me. I have a God who does that better than anyone else.

I want you to be better because of me. I want to do everything in my power to help you become every part of who God made you to be. I want to see you realize all of God’s dreams for you. And believe me, His dreams for you are bigger and more amazing than anything you or I could come up with.

Maybe it’s selfish of me, but I do this out of my own need. These are all things I long for in my friends, so maybe the first step is me becoming all of those things to the people I call friends.

Obviously, the most healthy relationships are built out of wholeness and completeness, not neediness. But I do think we help each other to become whole and healthy and complete by friendships based on forgiveness and unconditional sacrificial love.

If I try too hard sometimes and get a bit Steve Urkel on you, I apologize. Like I said, my good motives are sometimes executed poorly. Sometimes, I get carried away with the posts and texts and messages. But it’s from a good place of wanting to encourage and bless you, so just remind me to take a pill and give me grace, ’cause I always stand in need of it.

I’m getting better. I am learning that you can’t fill my needs and validate me as a human being. Only God can do that. Once you learn that, you are free to be the kind of friend you always wanted.

As my friend and fellow blogger always says, “You think about that.”

A Little Note for Us Co-dependents Out There

/ Ragamuffingospelfan / 1 Comment

Hi, my name is Greg, and I’m a recovering co-dependent. Maybe you are, too. Here’s how you know you are with me in this.

Maybe you have lain awake at night like me, agonizing over how you’ve really messed up and offended a particular person. You’re positive that the relationship is ruined and that person will never ever talk to you again. The next day, that person was totally fine with you.

Maybe you’ve posted or blogged or texted and not gotten any responses or likes. Maybe you felt ignored or like what you had to say wasn’t important. Or really, deep down inside, that you weren’t important for anybody to bother with.

Maybe you’ve sat and stared at that sidebar on facebook that tells you which friends are currently on facebook and looked for a green dot beside a particular name. If you’re anything like me, you’ve wondered, “Why isn’t this person ever online when I’m online? Are they avoiding me?” while wondering what kind of medication you probably need to be taking right about now.

Maybe you thought that if anyone really knew the real you, they wouldn’t stick around. You probably have felt that eventually all your relationships will end because the other person will decide that you’re just not worth the effort anymore.

Maybe you’ve wondered why a certain person, instead of sitting next to you, chose to sit in the row behind you. Maybe you were feeling like a leper and thinking, “Am I really that much of a freak?” Even though you know that’s not true, it’s one thing to know it in your head and entirely another thing to receive it with your heart.

Maybe you overanalyze every word and action and are always on a crazy see-saw ride of “he/she really likes me” to “maybe they don’t like me anymore” to “well, I guess I blew that chance.”

Maybe you define yourself by what others tell you. Maybe you need constant affirmation and approval to feel normal. The sad part is that it’s never enough. You think if someone likes your post, “Why didn’t they comment?” or if they commented, “Well, geez. That was a bit impersonal.” It’s never enough.

Maybe you’ve been attracted to someone and killed the idea before it even had a chance. You’ve thought, “There’s no way she (or he) will ever like me as anything more than a friend” or “There’s probably a dozen or more people she (or he) would be better off with.” You read into innocent little actions as signs that the interest isn’t reciprocated.

The beautiful part is that God has already told us who we are. We are the Beloved, Sons and Daughters of the King, Wonderfully and Fearfully Made in His Image, Redeemed, Beautiful, and Exactly Who He Made Us to be.

God is pleased with you and me as we are, not as we should be or will be, because He sees Jesus in us.

Also, God puts people in our lives who love us regardless, who encourage and bless us daily, and who won’t ever walk out on us. People who give just the right words at just the right time to lift our spirits.

It’s been a long process for me, but the healing has been a beautiful thing to see. I could not have written this two years ago (and probably not even one year ago). I am amazed at what God does in a life where He’s given even the tiniest amount of room to work.

I am living proof that God can change anybody anywhere at anytime, no matter how far gone or hopeless they seem. I love the saying that what seems impossible to us isn’t even remotely difficult for God.

Signs You’re Finally Growning Up

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I am not the most mature person you’ve ever met. Sometimes, I feel like a 10-year old trapped in a 40-year old body, kinda like Tom Hank’s character in the movie Big. But God has been growing me up a lot in the last few years. Along the way, I’ve come to be able to discern and recognize some of the signs of maturity.

1) For us singles: It’s when that girl or that guy you’ve been interested in and secretly hoped was interested in you is not. They’re not interested in you as anything more than a friend. But you find that you can still cherish that person as a friend and be the best friend in return that you can possibly be.

Best of all, you find you’ve come to the place where you can celebrate and rejoice when that person finally finds true love and be genuinely happy for the two of them.

2) For parents: It’s when you can release your children to be what God is calling them to be, even if it’s not what you wanted or had planned for them. It’s when you do everything in your power to find their purpose, even if that purpose leads them halfway around the globe.

3) For all of us: It’s when you can live with unaswered questions and unfulfilled longings and desires. You are able to trust God and keep holding on in faith, even when everything in you and around you tells you not to. You are able to pray the prayer, “Lord, if all I have from You today is You and the next breath, that will be enough.”

4) It’s when you stop praying so much for blessings and start praying to be a blessing. You begin to see people as hurting and broken and needy and you see yourself as a channel through which God can pour out healing and wholeness and love to those around you.

5) It’s when you’re need to be acknowledged and approved of and commended gets less and less and you can be okay with not getting the credit for something you did. You can echo with the words of John the Baptist about Jesus that “I must decrease, that He may increase.”

6) It’s about being okay with being in the process. Being okay with not knowing the answers or even the next step in life because even though you may not know where you’re being led, you know the One leading you. It’s when you can like yourself for who you are, not who you aren’t but want to be.

These are some of the signs that I recognize as part of God’s work in me. He’s maturing me into the man of God and vessel through which He can transform the world. It’s about Jesus reaching out and touching people through your hands and speaking to them with your voice. It’s a very long process, but as I have found, it is so much more than worth it.

Good Conversations

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I had a really good conversation with a good friend I’ve known for a while today. It was at Starbucks, so of course quality beverages were involved. In this case, it was two chai frappachinos with caramel on top. I highly recommend one if you ever get the chance.

It was one of those conversations that makes you a better person. It was one where I realized again just how blessed I am to have friends like this. I truly believe that I will look back 50 years from now and see that I am more like Jesus because of conversations like this one.

What will you remember about your conversations 50 years from now? Will you remember anything worthwhile that you said or heard? Will you be able to point to those times where you changed for the better because of the healing and encouragement and blessing spoken into your life?

I know I am who I am because of God speaking life into me through so many friends and family members. Not all the words were easy to hear, but every word carried the power of God to transform and renew me.

Thank you, friend, for blessing me every time I see you. It’s because of you and others like you that I am finally able to see myself and love myself the way God does and love others the same way.

May you be blessed a thousand times over for your words of comfort and kindness to me. May you never forget how fond your Abba is of you and always feel His smile of approval over you in everything you say and do.

The same goes for all of you reading this right now.

 

Speaking Life into Each Other

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Have you ever posted something on facebook with one specific person in mind, just hoping that person would read it and comment on it? I have. . . I mean, a friend of mine has. . . . ok, I’m so busted. That was me.

Maybe if you’ve done it, too, you were like me and felt crushed and ignored when said person didn’t comment or even like the post.

I realize now how co-dependent and passive-agressive that was (not to mention somewhat OCD). Looking back, I see just how silly and juvenile that was.

The thing with co-dependency is that you always need to be liked and affirmed and acknowledged. The sad part is no matter how people do, it will never be enough. It’s kinda like a drug, where you need more and more to feel normal.

What I need are friends who will tell me the truth in love.

As I have mentioned before, I am in the healing process. I am finally learning to like me. I can finally stand to look at myself in the mirror. I can finally like being around me.

It’s because I have people around me who speak life and healing and wisdom into me. I have people who see me the way God sees me and help me to see myself that way.

In a conversation with a friend at Starbucks, I had an interesting revelation. My friend said that Hebrews speaks of Jesus as putting a human face on God. Then I got to thinking afterward, maybe you and I put hands and feet to Jesus when we serve each other and those around us in need. When we speak the words of Jesus into each others’ lives.

I am a lot better at not wigging out when people don’t respond to my posts or texts. I get that people have lives and issues other than me and that I can’t realistically demand to be the center of everybody’s attention all the time. That’s not healthy.

But I know that I have God’s full attention 24/7 and that He is speaking to me all the time. Sometimes when I’m alone with my Bible open or sometimes when I’m in a one-on-one conversation with a friend or sometimes through random posts or texts or sightings around town.

I am coming to the point where it’s not about me, but helping people to find their YES in Jesus and come to know and believe about themselves what God says about them and sees in them. That’s my ministry and calling.

May you be as comfortable in silence and solitude as you are in a crowd and learn to love yourself as God does. It is so very freeing.

Why Fairy Tales Last

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I saw Snow White and the Huntsman, based on the fairy tale, tonight in the theatre. I think for me there’s still something about a fairy tale well told that still tugs at my heart strings.

It’s more than just a damsel in distress. Or at least I think so.

We’ve all at some point pricked our fingers on a spindle or taken a bite of that apple. Suddenly, we find ourselves dead inside and out.

You and I need to be rescued. We need Someone strong and brave enough to fight for us. Someone who’s not afraid to die for us.

That’s the Gospel in a nutshell.

I love the story where Tolkien finally wins C.S. Lewis over when he tells him that the Gospel is a myth, but at the same time, a true myth.

I read a book recently that spoke of the Gospel as a tragedy, a comedy, and a fairy tale. The last third of the book made my heart come alive inside my chest. The idea of the Gospel being a fairy tale come true is something most of us have never thought or dreamed of, but that’s what it is.

We get the Rescuer. We get to be Princes and Princesses, royal children of the King of the Universe. And we get the happily ever after (read the last chapter of Revelations if you need proof).

That’s why fairy tales will never, ever go out of style.

Trusting

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I’ve always heard it this way: Don’t trust people, but trust the Jesus in people.

I think there’s some truth to that.

People in and of themselves have good intentions, but short attention spans. They are forgetful, busy, distracted, and human. They make promises and break them, not because of malice, but because of everyday life getting in the way.

If you are my friend, I make this pledge. I won’t promise to keep every promise I ever make to you. I know myself too well for that.

I can promise to extend you grace for when you fail. I can promise to pray for you when you’re happy or sad, whether you are in a good place or struggling, whether you live out of the joy of being Abba’s Child or don’t know who you are that day.

I can promise to always give you the benefit of the doubt and no matter what, see the best in you. I’ve had people who saw good things in me even when I couldn’t and helped bring those things out in me. And I’m better for it.

I want to see Jesus shining brightly through you and you to be every bit of who God made you to be, confidently standing strong in your faith and taking a bit of Heaven with you everywhere you go.

I love hearing your stories. I love seeing how God has worked in your life and how you are being transformed daily. I would love to meet with you and hear your faith stories (the ideal place is Starbucks, but I am flexible).

May the Lord bless and keep you and make His face to shine on you. May you hear Him singing over you tonight and leaping for joy over you in the morning.

Goodwill Finds

/ Ragamuffingospelfan / 3 Comments

image

I am fast becoming a Goodwill junkie. I love going in those stores, not knowing what I’ll find, and walking away with a few unexpected treasures. Like today, for instance. I went in looking for music and came out with a little stained glass piece that has Romans 8:31 on it. Well, it looks like stained glass to my untrained eye. I went in with visions of finding Amy Winehouse CDs and found something I didn’t expect to find, but ended up being much more meaningful to me than what I was looking for.

I think life is a lot like that.

Sure, you can live your life in safe mode. That’s where you always hang out with the same people and go to the same places. That’s where you love people who are loveable and and invest in the friendships with people who are popular and know the secret handshake and password. Those in the know and on the go, so to speak.

That’s fine, but you never find any unexpected treasures there.

Sometimes, you have to go out of your way to find that treasure hidden in a field that’s worth more than everything you own put together. Sometimes, you have to get out of your safe life to find the most satisfying and rewarding moments.

Maybe the treasure is found in the friends who are on the outside with the in-crowd, but who have deep wells of wisdom when it comes to walking with Jesus. Maybe it’s in serving those who won’t say thank you, or giving to those who will never pay you back.

Maybe it’s in giving that someone a second chance after they screwed up the first and finding that forgiveness is its own reward.

I think God deliberately puts the most precious things and people and places and moments in the most ordinary disguises so that they will mean that much more to us when we find them and see them for their true worth and value. It’s a fearful thing to step out in faith that way, but the risk is always way more than worth it.

I can think of a few friends who have turned out to be golden. My family is the same way. Those memories I cherish most happened when I was expecting something else (or not expecting anyhing at all).

Sometimes, when you go digging through the trash, when you go to the lowliest places, sometimes you will look into the face of the broken and hopeless and outcast and find Jesus there.

A Prayer for My Friends Tonight

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God, I bring my friends before you tonight. I know that You know what they need better than I do and even better than they do.

God, they are burdened and heavy-laden with work and with school, with spouses and with romantic relationships, with family and friends.

Grant them Your perfect peace tonight and enfold them in Your arms so that they can feel You near to know that You are just as near when they can’t feel You.

Grant them the joy than transcends circumstances and events, good or bad. Joy that can only come from You and that other people can only attribute to You.

Give them wisdom in their friendships. Bring people into their lives who will draw out the God-colors in them and inspire them to hunger and thirst after righteousness and to above all yearn for Jesus more than life itself.

Remove the people who hinder them being who You called them to be. Lord, even me, if I am a hindrance to Your work in their lives. Give them the grace to let the people go who You take out of their existance.

Above all, give them a single passion and vision: to follow hard after You, regardless of what it costs or what anyone else around them thinks. May they see only You and love only You. May their love for others be Your love flowing through them.

Lord, cause Your face to shine on them and be gracious to them. Take them to the lowliest people and let them be Your hands and feet to those who will never be able to repay what You do to them through my friends.

I pray for success and prosperity and good fortune for my friends. More than that, I pray intimacy and a deeper, wilder love for You, even if it comes at the expense of success and prosperity and good fortune.

Thank You for my friends. May they know how grateful I am. Much more than that, may they know each and every day and all through the night how You love them and how fond You are of them and how You call them beloved and how You are their Abba Father. May they each hear the sweet sound of You singing with joy over them in the deep waches of the night.

That’s my prayer for them tonight. Amen.

Why I Am a Fan of Henri Nouwen

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solitude

“In solitude we can slowly unmask the illusion of our possessiveness and discover in the center of our own self that we are not what we can conquer, but what is given to us. In solitude we can listen to the voice of him who spoke to us before we could speak a word, who healed us before we could make any gesture to help, who set us free long before we could free others, and who loved us long before we could give love to anyone. It is in this solitude that we discover that being is more important than having, and that we are worth more than the result of our efforts. In solitude we discover that our life is not a possession to be defended, but a gift to be shared. It’s there we recognize that the healing words we speak are not just our own, but are given to us; that the love we can express is part of a greater love; and that the new life we bring forth is not a property to cling to, but a gift to be received” (Henri J.M. Nouwen).

Henri Nouwen wrote that every single person ever born deals with aloneness, because every single one of us is unique and no one else will ever have our exact problems and issues and hang-ups and phobias.

He said we can either see our aloneness as a wound and thus turn it into loneliness or view it as a gift, where it becomes solitude. In solitude is where we can learn to be still and quiet and know that in truth, we are never really alone. God is with us.

Solitude makes us better people, better neighbors, better friends, better spouses, better lovers, and better disciples. We’re not clinging to each other out of a desparate need to not be lonely, but because we are finally comfortable with who we are in the times when we are alone with no noise to drown out our own thoughts.

That is my own wording of what I’ve been reading in The Only Necessary Thing, a compilation of Nouwen’s thoughts on living a prayerful life. Seriously, if you don’t read another one of my blogs, but read one of his books, I will be supremely happy. He’s that good.

That’s all for tonight. Let me know what you are reading that touches you deeply at the soul level. Maybe it’s a book that will do the same for me. And may the God of the earthquake and the God of the thunder also be the God of your silence and the God of your solitude. Amen.