forgiveness

Small Potatoes

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Side note: I’m feeling very patriotic with this being my 1,776th blog post. I just thought I’d throw that in for free, as it has nothing to do with the rest of this post.

I heard this at my friend’s dad’s funeral and I thought I’d pass it along. I hope it encourages you in whatever hard times or difficulties you are facing. God’s love outlasts anything you will ever face.

“So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever” (2 Corinthians 4:16-18, The Message).

 

Looking for the Pause Button

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Sometimes, I wish life had a remote control, like in that Adam Sandler movie where he fast-forwards through the boring parts of his life.

Only I wouldn’t be looking for the fast-forward button. I’d want to pause my life.

Today, I went to the funeral of a friend’s dad. I hadn’t seen or talked to him in a long time, but I remember him as being a quiet, gentle man who loved his God and his family and who also happened to own the first PC that I had ever seen.

I saw him lying in the coffin, looking like a perfect wax replica of a person. Then I remembered that I was looking not at the man, but at the shell. The moment he breathed his last he was instantly in the presence of Jesus, fully alive and healthy and happy.

I heard where two Briarcrest students who were set to embark on their senior year of high school died Friday at the hands of a drunk driver who had four DUIs in the last five years.

There’s too much sadness and loss in the world. Too many people had to say goodbye to the ones they loved, while more than that never got the chance.

I sense more than ever how precious and fleeting this life is. I understand more how important it is never to take anyone in your life for granted.

I’m thinking about the quote from the movie The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel– “There’s no present like the time.”

I recall a pastor who said that at best this life is like a clean bus station. You don’t set up a bedroom suite and move all your belongings into a Greyhound terminal, because it’s only a stop along the way toward your final destination.

This life is so brief because this is not our final destination. Heaven is. As much as I keep forgetting, as much as I want that pause button to work, I know that I can’t stop that second hand from racing clockwise toward another tomorrow.

I can only choose to live each moment fully and to be fully present to every person in every place at every moment that I’m given. I can know that in God’s economy nothing is ever wasted and the good a person does follows after them. Your legacy will far outlive you and in the end, it won’t be what you did for a living or who you knew, but who you were and what you did with what God gave you.

 

Snapshots of Grace

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I went to a birthday party of a friend of mine tonight. She turned the big 3-0. Been there, done that, found out it’s not so bad.

She had helium balloons floating in one of the rooms with pictures tied to them. Each one was a picture of her at some point in her life, with some showing her as a kid, some as a teen, and the more recent ones showing her all grown up.

I was captivated by that idea. I think each of us are defined in many ways by defining moments in our lives– snapshots, if you will. Those are the events in our lives that we remember as if we’re looking at a Polaroid taken at that very moment.

For me, it was the moment I found out about my granddad’s passing. Or when my boss called me into his office after the first plane had struck the World Trade Center building on September 11, 2001.

I can also remember walking across the stage to accept my diploma in my graduation ceremony from Union University.

That’s just it. You don’t get to pick your memories. You don’t get to pick how many good or bad ones you’ll have. You do get to choose  what you do with those memories and how you look at them. How you look at life through them.

The old cliche is true. You can take the bad memories from your life and either let them make you bitter or better. You can choose cynicism and unbelief or you can choose forgiveness and faith.

Some of my best memories are of the friends I’ve made, including the friend who just turned 30. Others involve my family. More often than not– nearly all of the time– the best memories will involve people and not possessions or accomplishments.

I choose to believe the best about others and bring it out of them because that’s what Jesus did for me. I choose to trust that God can take the worst moments of my life and make them the first part of my testimony to how good God is and how He can turn a wreck into something beautiful.

I think I’ll have one more good set of memories after tonight.

For the Third Sunday of Advent

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I’ve invited a special guest for tonight’s blog. Actually, I read something I really liked that he wrote and I wanted to share it with you. It’s from Henri Nouwen and I love it. I hope you will, too.

“Keep your eyes on the prince of peace, the one who doesn’t cling to his divine power; the one who refuses to turn stones into bread, jump from great heights and rule with great power; the one who says, ‘Blessed are the poor, the gentle, those who mourn, and those who hunger and thirst for righteousness; blessed are the merciful, the pure in heart, the peacemakers and those who are persecuted in the cause of uprightness’ (see Matt. 5:3-11); the one who touches the lame, the crippled, and the blind; the one who speaks words of forgiveness and encouragement; the one who dies alone, rejected and despised. Keep your eyes on him who becomes poor with the poor, weak with the weak, and who is rejected with the rejected. He is the source of all peace.

Where is this peace to be found? The answer is clear. In weakness. First of all, in our own weakness, in those places of our hearts where we feel most broken, most insecure, most in agony, most afraid. Why there? Because there, our familiar ways of controlling our world are being stripped away; there we are called to let go from doing much, thinking much, and relying on our self-sufficiency. Right there where we are weakest the peace which is not of this world is hidden.

In Adam’s name I say to you, ‘Claim that peace that remains unknown to so many and make it your own. Because with that peace in your heart you will have new eyes to see and new ears to hear and gradually recognize that same peace in places you would have least expected.’

I have nothing to add to that. Except maybe to claim my own weakness and in so doing, that peace which defies human logic and anything the world and hell could ever throw at me.

Friends and Pins and Stuff

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I have a Pinterest account. I think I’ve established that fact.

I will go a while without pinning anything and then I will pin for 30 minutes straight. Or something like that. I’ve never actually timed my pinning sessions.

Lately, I’ve been pinning a lot of Friends- themed pins. It’s still hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that the last episode of that show aired 10 years ago. 10 years.

In my mind, 1994 was 10 years ago, not 2004. It’s like I have a 10-year block in my brain. And I am really not ready for 1984 to be 30 years in the past.

I don’t feel 40-something. Most of the time I feel 30-something (or even 20-something on really good days). The joke is that you feel like you’re in your 20’s until you hang out with actual 20-somethings, then you feel your own age again.

So back to Friends. I still love watching the re-runs. All those characters were so perfectly cast and each one had his or her own quirks and faults and strong points. Like me. I’m sure I have my strengths and weaknesses like anybody else.

I think we all have to realize that as imperfect as we are, so is everybody else around us. If I can give myself grace for not being perfect and for committing the occasional blunder or two, I can do the same for others.

It’s easy to nurse the wounds and play the martyr and hold grudges. Somehow, it feels better. But it’s not the better way. Jesus showed that the better way is forgiveness. The better way is turning the other cheek. The better way is loving your enemies.

Notice I didn’t say the easier way. Usually, the better way is the harder way because it goes against my natural inclinations. I’d rather treat others like they treat me and not give those who don’t treat me right the time of day.

But ultimately, it’s not about how others treat me. It’s about how Jesus treated me when I was a stranger and an alien and an enemy. That’s my new standard now.

And no, I didn’t expect to go from 90’s TV sitcoms to heavy theology in one blog. That’s just how I roll sometimes.

Keep Calm and Keep Believing

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We’ve all royally messed up when it comes to relationships. Maybe you’ve lost only a few friends along the way or maybe you feel like you’ve run everyone away. Either way it never gets easier when someone finally gives up on you.

It’s easy to become resentful and bitter, but in the long run forgiveness feels better than being weighed down by all that anger. So choose to forgive, not because the other person deserves it but because you need it.

Only forgiven people can forgive and only those whom God has forgiven can really and truly forgive those who have hurt them.

Of course forgiveness doesn’t mean automatic restoration of trust. That has to be earned. Some relationships will never be like they were before. But still forgiveness is always right and always good and always worth it.

I recommend eating something chocolatey after forgiving someone. It helps. Sorta like eating chocolate after fighting off a dementor. Yes, I just went Harry Potter on you.

You forgive because you know you fail. You know you will inevitably need forgiveness yourself from just about everyone you know. It happens. Treat others like you would like to be treated when you deserve rejection but find mercy instead.

Don’t forget the chocolate.

Throwing Rocks 2

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robin-wright-as-jenny-curran-in-forrest-gump

It almost always happens when I write one of these blogs that I will remember something I left out. In this case, it was when I woke up in the middle of the night around 2 am that I remembered what specifically I left out.

Maybe the person who needs your forgiveness the most is you.

Even if someone else did the wounding, it’s easy to blame yourself for letting it happen. Especially if the abuse went on for some time. You stayed and made excuses and didn’t run when you had the chance. So a part of you feels that you deserve what you got.

First of all, you don’t.

And second, you survived. You’re still here, which counts as a win in my book.

Sometimes, you just need to forgive yourself for not living up to your own unrealistic expectations. Or to the expectations that the culture and society has hoodwinked you into believing were essential to your success.

You need to know that God’s plan for you is your own and no one else’s. Maybe you’re not where everyone else seems to be at this point in your life. But you are where God put you. Where God wants you to be. Where God is using you and molding you and making you more like Jesus. And that is by far the best place to be.

I know I’d rather have Jesus and nothing else than to have everything else and not have Jesus.

So everything I said about laying those rocks down and building that altar still applies, even the person who you’re aiming at is your own reflection in the mirror. Let the altar be as a reminder of the time when you stopped letting your failures or unmet expectations or your shame define you. When you started to let your Creator define you.

I think that pretty much covers it.

Throwing Rocks

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“I’ve been tryin’ to get down
to the Heart of the Matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore” (Don Henley).

Kairos was fantastic as usual tonight. Amy Jo Girardier spoke on forgiveness, which probably is something that doesn’t come easy to any of us. Especially those who carry the scars of wounds and words from those who were supposed to nourish and protect.

For some reason, I thought about the scene from Forrest Gump where Jenny is throwing rocks at her old house. It’s the place where her own father abused her for years, where all her woundedness came from. After she throws the last rock, she collapses on the ground into weeping. Forrest Gump say a line which I think is the best line in the whole movie: “Sometimes there aren’t enough rocks.”

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Unforgiveness is like carrying rocks. You visualize confronting the person or persons who cut you with their words, who betrayed your trust, who let you down, who deserted you in your time of need, who feigned friendship while sticking the knife in your back. You imagine what it would be like to use the rocks to wound them like they wounded you.

It seems like the natural thing to do. You have every right to be angry, to hurt, to want justice– even revenge.

But maybe what God is calling you to do is to take those rocks and build an altar. On that altar, you sacrifice your right to be angry. You give up expecting that the person can fix what they did to you. You let go of hatred and of wishing them harm. Instead you learn to pray for them and even eventually love them.

Then you realize you’re not the only one wounded. The person who hurt you was acting out of his own woundedness. He’s continuing the cycle of violence, of cutting words, of lashing out, because it’s all he knows.

Forgiveness breaks the cycle. Forgiveness opens the door of the prison of hate and anger and bitterness and the person who walks out is you. You are the one set free when you choose to forgive.

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One of my favorite quotes from C. S. Lewis deals with forgiveness and the high cost that comes with it:

“To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.

This is hard. It is perhaps not so hard to forgive a single great injury. But to forgive the incessant provocations of daily life – to keep on forgiving the bossy mother-in-law, the bullying husband, the nagging wife, the selfish daughter, the deceitful son – How can we do it? Only, I think, by remembering where we stand, by meaning our words when we say in our prayers each night ‘Forgive our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us.’ We are offered forgiveness on no other terms. To refuse it is to refuse God’s mercy for ourselves. There is no hint of exceptions and God means what He says.”

Forgiveness is hard, but in my experience, not forgiving and carrying the weight and burden of all that anger, bitterness, and hurt is harder.

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Those Little Moments

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I found out something that broke my heart tonight. I can’t share specifically what the details are, but I can say that it made me very sad for a good friend of mine. I have some takeaways (none of which are new or original) to pass along and which I hope to practice more in the future:

1) Never take those you love for granted, whether they’re blood-related or not. As morbid as it sounds, it is true that you never know when or if you’ll see that person again in this lifetime. No one is guaranteed tomorrow.

2) If possible, err on the side of telling family and friends you love them TOO much rather than not enough. By that, I mean tell them every time you see them or call them or text them.

3) Practice forgiveness and mercy and grace. Forgiving someone may be hard, but not as hard as living with the regret of words not spoken and the knowledge that you’ll never again have the chance to say “I’m sorry, forgive me” or “I forgive you”.

4) While you never fully appreciate anything or anyone until you look back in hindsight, you can choose to value those around you and let them know how much you value them.

5) Pray for those you love and let them know you’re praying for them. Nothing means more to me than knowing family and friends are praying for me.

6) Choose hugs instead of handshakes. Choose the people you’re with instead of your social media friends. Choose today to reach oit to someone you’ve lost touch with or had a falling out with or neglected in recent months.

That’s all I have. I am as always thankful for you. God bless.

PS Those little moments will be the ones you treasure and remember most fondly. Not the accolades or awards or promotions or titles or accomplisments. It will be the time you spent with those you love.

Amour: How Much Do You Love Me?

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I have now seen 11 out of the 12 nominees for the Best Picture Academy Award from last year’s Oscars. Only one more to go!

I watched Amour, a very touching movie about an elderly man taking care of his wife after she’s had two strokes. I say the film was touching; it was also unflinching and hard to watch at times.

Love is like that. It’s not always the storybook ending and happily ever afters. Sometimes, there are parts you wish you could leave out. Sometimes, “I do” means changing diapers and having to feed your loved one as if he or she were an infant again.

Love is hard. When the one you love can no longer return that love, when they no longer have the means of communicating their love back to you, what do you do?

God calls us to love the unlovable as He first loved us when we were unlovable. Sometimes, I can still be unlovable; you can, too. But God still chooses to love us anyway.

Did you get that?

At every moment, God is choosing to love you and to love me, regardless of whether you or I have shown that we deserve such love.

The truth is that nobody deserves God’s love, but we all need it and we can have it if we will only open our clenched fists to receive that waiting love. And God is such a patient Suitor.

Who will you choose to love who doesn’t deserve it? Who will you choose to forgive who deserves to be cut off instead? Who will you give a second chance to who never deserved the first?

One day, the someone needing love and forgiveness and a second chance will be you. It will be me. Our humanity means we will fall, we will fail, we will make a mess of things and people and relationships.

Yep. All that from watching one movie. With subtitles, no less.

I needed the reminder because I have been guilty of casting stones instead of extending grace. You have, too. We’ve all been harsh and judgmental and unforgiving to those who needed mercy and grace and forgiveness.

The question is not if you’ve loved poorly in the past but if you will choose to love well on this day that God has given you. Will you?