depression

Andrew Peterson, Parking Garages and Lessons Learned

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I had the opportunity to see Behold the Lamb of God for the second year in a row (and third overall). It was just as fantastic as the other two times. It was both artistic and worshipful, the way any meaningful Christian media should be.

I learned that Buddy Greene is a harmonica whiz, that Jill Phillips sings like an angel, and that Labor of Love is one of the best Christmas songs ever written (and my favorite by far). The whole focus was on Emmanuel, God with us. In some ways, it felt like the best of worship services. We even closed with the doxology.

But then the fun started. And by fun, I mean me literally going in circles looking for my car. I went up and down and all around and could not find my little Jeep. I even thought for a split-second that it had been stolen, but then I remembered that my car is old.

It turns out that I had come out of my original parking garage from the back and there was another parking garage next to it that looked similar to the one where I parked, but was not the same. I had the feeling that people who enter parallel dimensions must have where everything looks a bit familiar but then again not quite.

As it turns out, I started off from the wrong premise that I was in the right parking garage, and all my earnest and sincere searching wouldn’t have led me to what I was looking for. So in life if you start off with the wrong premise, it doesn’t matter how devout you are in your beliefs. You will still end up in the wrong place.

The right place to start this Advent season is at the foot of the manger where the infant King sleeps. That’s where the greatest story ever told begins. That’s the one that will get you to where you need to go.

Getting Out of Yourself

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I overheard someone say that this time of year can be the most difficult and depressing time for a lot of people.

The holidays, Christmas and New Year’s, are over and the real world has started back up in earnest.

Maybe you’re one of those feeling blue. Maybe you feel like everyone else has gone back to their lives and forgotten about you. Or maybe you feel like no one has ever noticed you.

Maybe you’re fretting about where you are in life and wondering if you’ll always be stuck there.

You spend a lot of time, maybe too much time, thinking about yourself and your problems.

The solution? Is it to get over yourself?

I think not.

I think the solution is to get out of yourself. Go and serve others who are in a worse position than you.

I volunteer at Room in the Inn, a ministry that gives homeless men a place to sleep and a warm meal on bitterly cold nights.

I don’t say that because I’m so sanctimonious and holy. I say it because I’ve often been the one who needed an adjustment in my perspective.

Here are men who have way less than me, who are dealing with struggles and issues that I’ve never even dreamed of, yet many of whom have a way better outlook on life than I do (most of the time).

Often in serving, you seek to bless only to find yourself the one being blessed. You seek to minister and find that you are the one being ministered to instead.

Those who complain and who are bitter are usually the ones who aren’t serving. The ones who are serving find they have little time to spare for griping and cynicism. They also find that you can never outgive God or bless more than you are blessed, and that has a way of changing your outlook.

Also, sometimes depression can be more than just being discouraged. Sometimes, it’s a chemical imbalance issue. Never be ashamed to get help. Never be ashamed to confess what you’re going through to trusted friends.

Remember that God is with you in this to the very end. And beyond.

 

One Thing I’m Thankful for Today

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Note: I want to say this and get it off my chest. It’s one thing to be depressed and quite another to struggle with clinical depression (which thankfully I never have).

You would never say to someone with a broken ankle, “Just walk it off. You’ll be fine.”

Then why do we say things to clinically depressed people like, “Snap out of it” or “You obviously don’t have enough faith or you’d be over this” or “Just pray harder and you’ll be okay.”

To borrow something Rick Warren said, a broken brain is just as broken as a broken arm or leg or ankle. Just because you can’t see the ailment doesn’t mean it’s not there.

End of soapbox.

I’m choosing to be thankful that I only moderately sprained my ankle when I rolled it while cutting the backyard. For a second, it felt much worse. I got light-headed and nauseous, which is never fun.

But thankfully, I’m only limping a little with minimal pain.

I suppose I’m also thankful that I can walk. Oh, and that I still have two feet attached to two legs.

So many people go without those things I take for granted. Not just being able to walk, but being healthy and having a good job. Some people would give just about anything to be where I am. Why should I complain?

God, if I don’t say it enough, thank You for this beautiful life and another day to live it. You know I don’t deserve it, but You give it anyway.

I’m both thankful and blessed.

Wednesday Thoughts

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I got another sneak peek of autumn. It was warm, but not too much, with no humidity and just the tiniest hint of frost in the air. I loved it.

I drove home listening to a Billie Holiday CD. It was in fact the same CD that I lost in my transition from Memphis to Nashville almost 9 years ago. Her voice always takes me to a soothing happy place. It’s sad that her own life was so tragic and filled with heartaches and poor choices.

I took my iPad to the Apple Store because the Big Honkin’ Button hasn’t been working right. And no, that’s probably not the name that the Apple tekkies use, but it works for me. Anyhow, THAT button can be stubborn and not always do what I want. Imagine that.

It turns out I can either trade in this iPad for partial credit toward a new iPad or learn to bear with the Big-Honkin’-and-Sometimes-Annoying-Button. I chose option #2 as it was the affordable option.

I’m thinking about all the celebs we’ve lost so far in 2014: Philip Seymour Hoffman, James Garner, Mickey Rooney, Shirley Temple, Lauren Bacall, and Robin Williams.

I still can’t imagine being in a place where death seems like the only option. Then again, I’ve never struggled with clinical depression. I do know that it’s not something you can just “snap out of,” but a real chemical imbalance. A broken brain is just as broken as any broken foot or arm or leg. You just can’t see it.

I also know that you never know the secret battles that others are facing. I can look down on a Philip Seymour Hoffman who overdosed or a Robin Williams who hung himself with his own belt. But who knows how I would have fared under similar circumstances? Maybe I would have done far worse.

So yeah, it was nice outside. Too nice to not take a little time, roll down the windows, and breathe in the air. I may not have everything I want but I do have everything I need and then some. I am blessed.

Has It Really Been 22 Years?

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In case you’re wondering what 22 years is referring to, that’s how long it’s been since I went on an actual date. With an actual girl. To a place outside my imagination.

At first, that thought was horribly and mind-numbingly depressing, but later I saw it as a blessing. More on that later. Back to the sad me.

I’ve never kissed a girl. And no, I have not nor will I ever kiss a dude. Blech!

I’ve never even held hands with a girl outside of prayer groups. And yes, I was one of those guys who tried to strategically place myself next to the girl I liked right before the prayer started so I could hold her hand. Notice how I said “tried.” Key word there.

But you know what?

I’m still blessed.

I’m still living my miracle.

How?

I have known nights where I didn’t think I could hold on until the sunrise. It was then I felt my Abba’s arms encircling me, holding me tight. There is not a moment when my hand has ever slipped out of the firm grip of my Father’s strong hand.

And yes, I have known the sweet kisses of grace and the embrace of mercy unfolding over and around me. I know what it is to be desired by the Great Lover and ravished by Sweet Words of Love. I know Jesus sings over me nightly because His delight is in me.

So I am as blessed (or more so) than people with far more impressive dating resumes who have found their dream-mate.

I know I was, am, and will always be the dream in God’s heart, the apple of His eye, the one He adores, and His beloved son in whom He is well pleased.

That is so much more than enough for me.

When You Feel Like Giving Up

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I’ve felt like giving up sometimes. And by that I don’t mean I felt a desire to end my life. I just didn’t feel like trying anymore. At the time, I felt like I didn’t matter and nothing I did made any difference. Like the world would be better off without me.

But those thoughts were lies. I know that now. I’ve learned not to trust every feeling I have. I’ve come to realize that not every thought in my head deserves attention, because what I think isn’t always true. The Bible calls it “taking every thought captive.”

God is always true. He never lies. I know now I can always trust him, especially in the times when I can’t trust my own thoughts and feelings.

It’s easy to let fear or anger or doubt or depression skew your reality. It’s easy to give into those fears and the bondage that comes with them. But that’s no way to live.

It’s much harder to say, “I need help.” It’s much harder to say, “I can’t do this on my own. I’ve tried and tried and failed and now I need help.”

Sometimes faith and prayer are enough. I know personally that sometimes it takes medication and counseling. It’s not weakness to need pills to help you think normally. It’s because you and I and everybody else live in a fallen world and have brokenness because of sin entering the world.

Just remember that God’s in control. He’s bigger than any problem you’re facing. As a pastor I once heard said, what seems impossible to you and me isn’t even remotely difficult for God. And he’s waiting for you to ask him for help.

There’s a whole lot I don’t know. But one of the few things I do know is that God is truly close to the broken-hearted and crushed in spirit. He knows where you are and what you’re going through. And he will get you through it.

That’s what I know.

 

I’m Not Crazy, Am I?

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I think there’s a common belief among evangelicals that every problem can be solved by praying more and having more faith. Sometimes that’s true, but sometimes it’s not.

Sometimes, you need a little help.

Some people have anxiety that won’t go away, no matter how much praying they do. Some people have depression that all the faith in the world can’t lift.

That’s why there’s doctors and medication. Because sometimes your brain just doesn’t work right. Sometimes you have a chemical imbalance or synapses misfiring, and you need help.

I do think that a lot of issues are spiritual in nature and I really truly believe that God can heal. I also believe God put it in the hearts of men and women to help cure people of physical and mental ailments. God sometimes chooses to cure through human hands.

I don’t like the term “mental illness.” As a pastor said, it gives the impression that your malady is all in your head. But, as he went on to say, a broken mind is just as broken in a very real sense as a broken limb.

As of today, I am taking medication for generalized anxiety disorder (with obsessive thinking that I can’t shut off thrown in). I can’t wait to be myself again, to not live under a constant state of anxiety and to finally be able to listen to myself think for once.

It’s not a shameful thing to admit you need help. Or that you need drugs to function normally (prescribed over-the-counter drugs taken according to the instructions).

It doesn’t mean you’re less of a person or less of a Christian if you struggle with depression or anxiety or are bipolar. In fact, your struggles will give you a testimony to reach people for Christ that most people can’t touch. You will be able to use your pain and sttuggles to help someone else through theirs.

And by the way, normal is just average. Don’t be normal. Be spectacular. Be extraordinary.

Strange Songs to Get Stuck in Your Head

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I have songs running through my head all the time. It’s better than listening to the radio. I never know what song will be next or where it will come from or what will inspire it. Like the one that’s in there now. It goes like

“My God is so big, so strong, and so mighty. There’s nothing my God cannot do for you.”

That’s the whole song. It’s deceptively simple and easy enough for toddlers to sing, but profound enough to blow the minds of the most seasoned believers.

There’s so much truth here if you let it sink in. If you dismiss it as a simple children’s song, you miss out on some very deep truths.

God is so big. He’s bigger than you, bigger than your dreams, bigger than what you’re afraid of, bigger than what you’re facing. He’s bigger than what the world says you can’t do or be or overcome. He is so big.

God is so strong. He’s strong enough to reach down to wherever you are, no matter how low, and pull you out. He’s strong enough to break through any barrier or stronghold or even the hell you’re in to find you and rescue you. He is so strong.

God is so mighty. He’s mighty enough to keep you safe and secure from all alarms. He’s mighty enough to finish what He started in you and make you into the person He created you to be. He is so mighty.

There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that God cannot do for you. What’s impossible for you is not even remotely difficult for God (yes, I stole that from a good sermon I heard, but I don’t think he’ll mind).

If you had these words running through your mind all day, imagine how much more confidence and courage you would have. If you believed it enough to step out off the ledge in a leap of faith. If you went to the dangerous and messy places that Jesus went to in order to bring a cup of cold water and a message of hope to the lonely, the broken, the hurting, the outcast, and the thrown-aside.

My God is so big, so strong, and so mighty. He’s stronger than cancer. Stronger than divorce. Stronger than unemployment. Stronger than moral failure. Stronger than addiction. Stronger than the death of a child. Stronger than depression. Stronger than chronic pain. Strong enough to get you through anything and make you stronger on the other side.

There’s nothing my God cannot do. For you.

Another prayer from Henri Nouwen (with my own commentary added)

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“I pray tonight for all who witness for you in this world: ministers, priests, and bishops, men and women who have dedicated their lives to you, and all those who try to bring the light of the Gospel into the darkness of this age. Give them courage, strength, perseverance, and hope; fill their hearts and minds with the knowledge of your presence, and let them experience your name as their refuge from all dangers. Most of all, give them the joy of your Spirit, so that wherever they go and whomever they meet they will remove the veil of depression, fatalism, and defeatism and will bring new life to the many who live in constant fear of death. Lord, be with all who bring the Good News. Amen.” (Henri Nouwen)

As the old saying goes (or maybe a new one that I just made up), when you can’t think of anything original, borrow and steal from smarter people than you. Actually, this prayer of Henri Nouwen’s is my prayer, said better than I could ever say it on my own, for my friends who are going out and making disciples of all nations, starting in Nashville and ending up in the uttermost parts of the earth. You inspire me to want to do a lot more than I’m doing right now.

Who knows what God has in store for me or you or anyone? I’ve learned that whatever it is, it’s usually way different than what we thought it would be, and way better. So go with it. Jesus calls us to die every day to our rights and desires and dreams and hopes, so that we can live in God’s greater dream for us. As Oswald Chambers wrote, “Trust God and do the next thing.”

As always, I believe. Help my unbelief.

Blessed are the mourners

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“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4).

It seems like we as a society don’t really do well with mourning. We would rather be entertained and amused. Sadness and grief are things that we move past as quickly as possible, and those that don’t are looked upon unfavorably, like “Why can’t they just get over it?”

The Message puts it this way: “You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.”

How are we to mourn and what are we to mourn for?

I think we mourn not as those who have no hope, but as those who do. Our sadness is a sadness that is based in the hope of a better day yet to come. Our grief is a grief that has joy at its core– joy that whatever we’ve lost will be restored to us a thousand-fold. We mourn knowing that one day we will rejoice and sing– and laugh– over the momentary afflictions that have been far outweighed by an eternal hope of glory.

What do we mourn for? We mourn over the loss of loved ones, because death is certain for every single one of us. We mourn over the wasted lives around us. We mourn over so many hopes we had that were unfulfilled and dreams we had that were dashed against the rocks of reality. We mourn over sin in the world, and what how it mars and wrecks and leaves a ruin in so many lives. We weep for what God in Jesus wept for– that so many will live and die and pass into eternity separated from Him and never knowing what real hope, faith and love look like. They will never know that God had a better, more abundant life in store for them if they would only say yes to Him.

It’s good to mourn for these things, but also to rejoice that all these things will one day end. Jesus has already overcome all the things that cause sadness and grief.

I would like to close this with words from Rich Mullins that may not quite fit, but I loved them so much that I had to add them here:

“It is the living who mourn at a funeral– not the dead. We mourn because the lives of the dead who made our own more lively, and since we are (or had been) so knit together, the loss of another’s strand will eventually cause our own unravelling. Fellowship is the mingling of threads that make up a fabric, and only in a fabric do we have some kind of meaningfulness.”

As always, I believe. Help my unbelief.