confession

Crazy Little Thing Called Fear

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I’ve heard that the command “Don’t be afraid” (or some variation of it) occurs 365 times in the Bible. Then I read somewhere else that it’s nowhere near that many times. I’ve read arguments on both sides.

First of all, is it really necessary to argue over everything? Is it so all-important to be proven right all the time?

I know this command is used more than the commands to “Love others” or “Tithe more” or any other. I know it’s because we’re fearful people, prone to worrying. I’ve known fear for much of my own life. Too much in fact.

Jon Acuff mentioned that his favorite verse about fear comes in Matthew where Jesus tells us we are worth more than birds, whom the Father feeds and clothes and takes care of. He uses the most common example so there’s practically nowhere I can go without a visual reminder of why it’s safe to trust Jesus instead of listening to my fears.

Fear has kept me bound to the past, to shame, to the humdrum. Fear has kept me from stepping out on adventures and trying new things.

Maybe fear has kept you from asking that certain someone out on a date.

Maybe fear has kept you from going deeper in your marriage and dealing with all those unresolved issues.

Maybe fear has kept you bound to a job you hate, to a routine that feels more like a rut, to a life without much meaning.

There’s no such thing as a comfortable adventure or a safe quest. Bravery isn’t the absence of fear, but going forward even though you feel like crying and throwing up and passing out all at the same time.

I’ve always loved this definition of courage: “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.”

May you find that the perfect love of Jesus really does cast out all fear.

May you step out in faith even in the midst of fear to find out the bridge built on planks of thanksgiving and joy really does hold (thanks to Ann Voskamp for that one) and that Jesus will be with you in the fieriest furnaces and the darkest nights and the coldest days.

Fear ends. The love of Jesus never will.

That’s where my hope lies.

An Advent Prayer I Love

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I found this when I was scrolling through some old notes I had posted on Facebook. And by old, I mean from 2010.

This one caught my attention, not just because it’s from one of my favorite authors of all time, but because it is such a beautiful prayer for this Advent season. I hope it blesses you as it has blessed me every time I’ve read it:

“O Lord, how hard it is to accept your way. You come to me as a small, powerless child born away from home. You live for me as a stranger in your own land. You die for me as a criminal outside the walls of the city, rejected by your own people, misunderstood by your friends, and feeling abandoned by your God.

As I prepare to celebrate your birth, I am trying to feel loved, accepted, and at home in this world, and I am trying to overcome the feelings of alienation and separation which continue to assail me. But I wonder now if my deep sense of homelessness does not bring me closer to you than my occasional feelings of belonging. Where do I truly celebrate your birth: in a cozy home or in an unfamiliar house, among welcoming friends or among unknown strangers, with feelings of well-being or with feelings of loneliness?

I do not have to run away from those experiences that are closest to yours. Just as you do not belong to this world, so I do not belong to this world. Every time I feel this way I have an occasion to be grateful and to embrace you better and taste more fully your joy and peace.

Come, Lord Jesus, and be with me where I feel poorest. I trust that this is the place where you will find your manger and bring your light. Come, Lord Jesus, come.

Amen” (Henri Nouwen)

I’m So Very Tired That I . . .

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I am tired. I mean more than “I slept until noon and now I need a frappucino from Starbucks” tired. I mean soul-weary and bone-tired. I figured out by my vast mathematical skills that by tomorrow’s end I will have worked almost 70 hours this week. That’s a lot.

I’m so very tired that I spent 20 minutes looking for my iPhone last Sunday. The very iPhone that was attached to my belt the whole time. I even called it a few times from the house phone. Sad.

I’m so very tired that not even my super-awesome concoction of coffee + hot chocolate + creamer seems to be working lately. I even almost miss those Diet Mountain Dews. Almost.

I’m so very tired that I fantasize about sleeping in. Just sleeping in, under the covers, alarm clock turned off. That’s all. And by sleeping in, I mean past 5 am.

I’m so very tired that even I am wondering what I’m doing typing this when I could be sleeping and dreaming and all those restful things. The sacrifices I make for my art. Sigh.

I’m so very tired I think I actually fell asleep twice on Wednesday in the middle of working, each time for about 15 seconds. I don’t think I dreamed that.

I’m so very thankful that my God never gets tired, never needs sleep, never grows weary of watching over His children or blessing them.

I’m so very thankful that there is never a moment when I’m out of His care, away from His gaze, or not in His heart. Not one.

Now I get to go to bed. I get to rest. God willing, I will get to wake up and go to a good job and live my blessed life for one more day.

Life is good, God is great, and I am still more blessed than I deserve.

For When You’re Too Tired

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I didn’t think I could be this tired and not be asleep. I’ve actually been so tired that I have trouble sleeping, as weird and wrong as that sounds. Plus, I’ve been having some very David Lynch-esque dreams.

I’m reminded of a few things that it’s good to think about when you’re tired.

Everything’s more annoying and I have very little patience with people. I truly “vant to be left alone” as Greta Garbo was always famous for saying. Maybe she was sleep deprived, too.

It’s easy to make comments– or lack of comments– seem much more than they really are. What might have been an oversight suddenly seems like an intentional snub. What is probably just an offhand remark comes across as an insult or a put-down.

It’s easy (at least for me) to think the worst of people when I am super-sleepy and even easier for me to want to give up on them. That monster called Woe-is-me rears its ugly head and makes you think that nobody REALLY cares about you, that eventually they will all desert you.

Fears become amplified and worries take on almost superhuman overtones. You can feel overwhelmed and defeated by the smallest details of your life when you’re tired enough.

By the way, this iPad that I normally love is annoying the crap out of me by not typing what I want it to. Or more truthfully, it’s supposed to read my mind instead of going with what my very sleep-deprived fingers are typing. Duh.

God is good when I am tired and He loves me when I am grouchy. His grace is sufficient for the sleep-deprived and restless (even if they aren’t so young anymore).

I am still growing in grace, which means I make allowances for me to be less than perfect and mature all the time. I know just as I understand when my friends and family have less than stellar moments, those who truly care about me will allow me to be Oscar the Grouch on rare occasions. Just as long as it’s not too often.

I’m thankful on this Thanksgiving Eve for comfy beds, good friends and family, and God’s promise to give sleep and rest to those He loves and cherishes. Which includes you and me.

So good night and sleep tight and don’t let any of those bedbugs bite. And may you hear once more the song of peace and joy thatvyour Abba Father will sing over you again tonight.

The Golden Ticket

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I love the movie Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. It’s dated and I’m pretty sure everybody in it has a combover of some kind. Even the little boy Charlie. The Oompa Loopas look like victims of bad tanning bed experiences and the songs are more than a bit annoying and preachy. And what’s up with their pants?

But there’s just something lovable underneath all the weirdness of Willy Wonka. Plus, who doesn’t love the concept of winning one of five golden tickets to get a lifetime supply of chocolate?

I can’t help thinking that grace is a lot like a golden ticket. I don’t mean you can buy it or earn it even by eating lots and lots of chocolate bars. And it is not limited to five people.

But think about it. In the end, Charlie gets a lot more than just chocolate. He gets everything that belongs to Willy Wonka. The factory, the candy, all the candy-making secrets, and even those creepy Oompa Loompas.

If I belong to Jesus by grace through faith, then I get salvation. But I get so much more.

I get life to the fullest that lasts forever. I get joy. I get peace. I do have troubles and suffering but I get Jesus to go through all of it with me. I get everything I need to be everything Jesus created me to be. I get not just God’s gifts but God Himself.

Above all, I get to be a part of the amazing work God is doing in rescuing His created universe and His children. I get to share God’s heart for everything He made and, best of all, I get to know God and to love Him and be loved by Him. I get to be one of the coduits through which His power, grace, love, and healing flow to hurting and needy people.

By the way, I can’t help thinking Mike Teevee grew up and became Jay Leno. They both get on my nerves (said in Christian love and mostly in jest).

Pre-WordPress Writings Part 3

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From January 15, 2011:

“I may not be anyone’s first choice, and that’s OK. I may be the substitute for the person they really want to be with or hang out with, but that’s OK. When Jesus chose me, it wasn’t because the person He REALLY wanted wasn’t available. He wanted ME. The same way He wants YOU, not as a substitute for someone else He can’t get, but FOR YOU. I am just one note in the symphony of God to the world. I may not be a very high priority on anyone’s list and I am really really fine with that. I will always be in God’s heart and on His mind. That’s enough for me. I am just a nobody trying to tell everybody about Somebody that can save anybody!”

From January 9, 2011:

“God, I’m giving up. I’m letting go. I’m letting a dream I’ve had in my heart die. It feels like a part of my heart is dying, too, but I know You are the one holding the pieces of my heart together right now.

I felt so certain and sure that it was Your plan and Your will, but now I can only surrender the bits and pieces of what’s left of hope to you.

So, here I am at 12:01. I’m done trying. I can’t do anything else but throw myself on your mercy and plead your grace. Take my dead dreams and if it be Your will, You can make them live again. But if not, You will be my new Dream-giver and give me new dreams to dream.

I will praise You in the silence this moment. You are still good. If I never got one more good thing or any desire of mine fulfilled ever again, You would still have been better to me than I deserved.

I am Yours. That is all that matters. Do with me what You want. Here in this moment, I am laying down and dying at Your feet.”

From February 3, 2011:

“I don’t know if this will speak to you, but maybe it will speak to someone you know and you can pass it along to them. I pray God captures your hearts and minds with these words:

1-3 A white-tailed deer drinks from the creek

I want to drink God,

deep draughts of God.

I’m thirsty for God-alive.

I wonder, “Will I ever make it—

arrive and drink in God’s presence?”

I’m on a diet of tears—

tears for breakfast, tears for supper.

All day long

people knock at my door,

Pestering,

“Where is this God of yours?”

4 These are the things I go over and over,

emptying out the pockets of my life.

I was always at the head of the worshiping crowd,

right out in front,

Leading them all,

eager to arrive and worship,

Shouting praises, singing thanksgiving—

celebrating, all of us, God’s feast!

5 Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?

Why are you crying the blues?

Fix my eyes on God—

soon I’ll be praising again.

He puts a smile on my face.

He’s my God.”

From July 10. 2010:

“I have learned a few thing in my time that I want to pass on:

1) Never try to figure out anything, especially people, when you are tired. I personally tend to drift toward the negative when I am exhausted and am not really good at being balanced or fair to others when I am worn out.

2) When you are inclined to judge someone’s actions, remember that there is at least one factor that you don’t know about that person that if you knew, would cast a totally different light on their actions. Also, remember that in the same circumstances you might do the same or worse. Which leads to the next point.

3) If you err, err on the side of grace. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Of course, use common sense and don’t be a doormat, but think of what you would be apart from the grace of God and then you realize that you have no place to give up on or despair of anyone (I totally stole that one from Oswald Chambers!)

4) Remind yourself that in life and the big picture, it never was, is not and will never be about you. It always was, is and always will be about God and His redemptive plan for the world. His will for you is always in context of His plan for the world.

5) Never go by first impressions, regardless of what the world tells you. Some of the best people I know who have impacted me were the ones whose first impression was unfavorable. I think you sometimes have to step out of what is comfortable and familiar if you want to find God’s secret blessings and surprises.

6) What is important in life, what I want you to remember, is not me or how well I write or how clever I am. You can forget all about me and if you remember that God loves you, that God is in love with you, and that God can take the worthless and transform it into somethng priceless, then I am OK with that. As one person said, I’m just a nobody trying to tell everybody about Somebody that can save anybody. That’s all I am, regardless of what my ego tells me.

What are some lessons you have learned? Share them with me, because I am always learning and God always has something to show me. Plus, we only grow and mature in the faith in community. You can never discover God’s will for your life by yourself, but only with other believers as you share yourself and your gifts to serve one another in love.

That’s all for now. More later.”

Joy on a Rainy, Yucky Sunday

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I had an amazing time dining at Chuy’s with some friends old and new. And by that I mean friends that I’ve known for a while and friends I met today. Compared to me, they were all young whippersnappers.

I had my standard taco salad with both chicken and steak. I had my water with both lemon and lime. I figure why should you be an either/or person when you can be a both/and person? Life’s much more fun that way.

Life’s also more fun when you see the sun behind all those grey clouds and joy in the midst of difficulties and hardships. It’s not like the sun went AWOL during all this rain. It’s still there, behind the clouds and waiting to be unveiled at just the right moment.

Joy’s like that. It’s always there. There’s never a moment without a blessing or a place with no joy to be found. You just have to see with eyes of thanksgiving and gratitude to find the blessings and the joy. Even in the darkest of times, you can always find light if you know where to look.

Later on, I’m celebrating Thanksgiving with some more friends. This year, it’s more than a lot of turkey and dressing. It’s about being truly alive and counting all my gifts that I once took for granted. It’s about celebrating the people in my life who are helping me find and love out my miracle.

Truly, life is good, God is great, and I am still blessed.

My Salvation Story

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I’m sitting here on this gorgeous Fall Sunday, watching the embarrassing end to an embarrassing footfall game. By that, I mean my beloved Tennessee Titans losing to the previously winless Jacksonville Jaguars. Can we say, “Bye-bye, playoffs?”

In much happier news, I’ve been reflecting on my own salvation experience.

I can tell you what my salvation is not:

It is not based on me walking an aisle or signing a card 30 years ago. If my salvation is fire insurance from hell and nothing more, then it’s not legit. If all I did was pray a prayer and recite some words, then I’m just as lost as I was then.

It’s not knowing facts about Jesus or attending church or being born to Christian parents or being American or Republican or knowing all the Christian buzzwords. None of that.

It’s about when I gave up control of my life to Jesus. It’s when I said YES to everything Jesus has for me.

I was saved (justification) once and for all the day I opened my heart to Jesus and let Him begin His work in me.

I am being saved (sanctification) daily by putting off my old sinful self and putting on Jesus. Or you could say, I’m being saved by Jesus finishing what He started in me like He said He would.

I will be saved (glorification) when Jesus comes back for good and all those annoying sin habits and destructive thought patterns go away forever. When I become what God has already declared me to be– a perfect replica of His Son Jesus.

As Pastor Mike Glenn says, if I don’t live it, I don’t believe it. No matter how eloquent my words are, they mean nothing if I don’t live what I preach.

I’m so glad it’s not up to me being good enough or smart enough or strong enough. I’d never make it. Thankfully, it was and is and always will be about how Jesus found me and rescued me and did for me what I could never to for myself.

That calls for a celebration, don’t you think?

Psalm 139:1-18: How He Loves

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“O Eternal One, You have explored my heart and know exactly who I am;
You even know the small details like when I take a seat and when I stand up again.
Even when I am far away, You know what I’m thinking.
You observe my wanderings and my sleeping, my waking and my dreaming,
and You know everything I do in more detail than even I know.
You know what I’m going to say long before I say it.
It is true, Eternal One, that You know everything and everyone.
You have surrounded me on every side, behind me and before me,
and You have placed Your hand gently on my shoulder.
It is the most amazing feeling to know how deeply You know me, inside and out;
the realization of it is so great that I cannot comprehend it.

Can I go anywhere apart from Your Spirit?
Is there anywhere I can go to escape Your watchful presence?

If I go up into heaven, You are there.
If I make my bed in the realm of the dead, You are there.
If I ride on the wings of morning,
if I make my home in the most isolated part of the ocean,
Even then You will be there to guide me;
Your right hand will embrace me, for You are always there.
Even if I am afraid and think to myself, “There is no doubt that the darkness will swallow me,
the light around me will soon be turned to night,”
You can see in the dark, for it is not dark to Your eyes.
For You the night is just as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are the same to Your eyes.

For You shaped me, inside and out.
You knitted me together in my mother’s womb long before I took my first breath.
I will offer You my grateful heart, for I am Your unique creation, filled with wonder and awe.
You have approached even the smallest details with excellence;
Your works are wonderful;
I carry this knowledge deep within my soul.

As I took shape in secret,
carefully crafted in the heart of the earth before I was born from its womb.
You see all things;
You saw me growing, changing in my mother’s womb;
Every detail of my life was already written in Your book;
You established the length of my life before I ever tasted the sweetness of it.
Your thoughts and plans are treasures to me, O God! I cherish each and every one of them!
How grand in scope! How many in number!
If I could count each one of them, they would be more than all the grains of sand on earth. Their number is inconceivable!
Even when I wake up, I am still near to You” (Psalm 139:1-18, THE VOICE).

Character (And Not the Cartoon Kind)

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I’m sure you’ve heard the word character defined as “what you do in the dark” or “how you behave when you think no one is watching.”

I agree with that. But my question in response is: so what does that look like in real life?

I think it means keeping your word. Regardless.

It means following through on a commitment, even if it becomes inconvenient.

It means when I say, “I’ll pray for you,” actually praying. I can say that I’m about 50/50 on that. Sometimes, I pray and sometimes I intend to but life and forgetfulness get in the way. I need to work on that.

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It means when you say you’re a friend, actually being a friend and not just being friendly. To me, being friendly means “whenever I gave spare time or whenever I feel like it.” Being a friend means sacrificing by taking time out do other important things to make time for a person.

Character means when I say I’ll be somewhere, actually showing up.

Character means more than good intentions and good feelings. It means I am the same person to all people in all situations. Not like the old joke, “I’m frank and earnest with all my women. In Memphis, I’m Frank and in Nashville, I’m Earnest.”

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When life squeezes me, what comes out? Is it anger? Is it annoyance? Is it impatience?

The reality is that what I’m filled with is what comes out. If I spend time with Jesus and get filled up with Him, He’s what comes out.

People are watching me whether I know it or not. People will decide whether or not Jesus is worth following by examining how much I talk about Him and how much I look and act like Him.

And sometimes, it’s fun to be a character. But that’s another topic for another day.

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