anxiety

A Beautiful Moment

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elizabethtown-driving

I saw one example of Eucharisteo paying off today.  My mother and  were on the way back from picking up my grandmother from her assisted living apartment. We had Hank Williams playing in the car, hoping my grandmother would recognize the old music.

We got to the song “Hey Good Lookin'”, a song pretty much EVERYBODY has heard of at some point in their lives. My mom started singing and, lo and behold, my grandmother chimed in. I don’t know why that moment blessed me so much, but it did.

Out of all the great things that happened today– seeing my niece Lizzie’s joy in opening her birthday presents, being with family, driving home at night with the windows rolled down– that moment topped them all. In fact, I’d say it has hit the charts with a bullet for one of my favorite moments of 2013.

I guess I love that moment because I was able to slow down to catch that fleeting moment and savor it. I didn’t miss it like I’ve missed so many others because I was too busy looking back in regret or looking ahead with anxiety. I was squarely in that moment and seeing God at work right then and there.

My grandmother is 89 and her memory’s not what it used to be. I know she won’t live forever, as much as the 10-year old part of me thinks otherwise. I know no one I love lives forever. At some point, I will have to say goodbye to everything and everyone I love this side of heaven. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t relish in every moment I’m given. It doesn’t mean that I can’t build memories of moments that will carry me through the grief back to the joy.

I love my friends, whether they’re in my life for 15 minutes, 6 months, 2 years, or a lifetime. I know better than to assume every friend will always be my friend and will always be around. I also know that each person, whether family or friend, has left footprints in my heart and residue of their spirit in my soul, so that I am forever changed, more like Jesus, because of knowing them.

My prayer isn’t that people will look back and remember me as a really swell guy, but that they will look on the times they spent with me and reflect on how much closer to Jesus they are now because of my small part in their lives.

That’s all.

I’m Not Crazy, Am I?

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I think there’s a common belief among evangelicals that every problem can be solved by praying more and having more faith. Sometimes that’s true, but sometimes it’s not.

Sometimes, you need a little help.

Some people have anxiety that won’t go away, no matter how much praying they do. Some people have depression that all the faith in the world can’t lift.

That’s why there’s doctors and medication. Because sometimes your brain just doesn’t work right. Sometimes you have a chemical imbalance or synapses misfiring, and you need help.

I do think that a lot of issues are spiritual in nature and I really truly believe that God can heal. I also believe God put it in the hearts of men and women to help cure people of physical and mental ailments. God sometimes chooses to cure through human hands.

I don’t like the term “mental illness.” As a pastor said, it gives the impression that your malady is all in your head. But, as he went on to say, a broken mind is just as broken in a very real sense as a broken limb.

As of today, I am taking medication for generalized anxiety disorder (with obsessive thinking that I can’t shut off thrown in). I can’t wait to be myself again, to not live under a constant state of anxiety and to finally be able to listen to myself think for once.

It’s not a shameful thing to admit you need help. Or that you need drugs to function normally (prescribed over-the-counter drugs taken according to the instructions).

It doesn’t mean you’re less of a person or less of a Christian if you struggle with depression or anxiety or are bipolar. In fact, your struggles will give you a testimony to reach people for Christ that most people can’t touch. You will be able to use your pain and sttuggles to help someone else through theirs.

And by the way, normal is just average. Don’t be normal. Be spectacular. Be extraordinary.

The Healing Process

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I went back to Historic Downtown Franklin today for the first time since being hit by the car. I walked over to the spot where it happened, or at least where I’m fairly positive it happened, since the event has grown fuzzy in my mind.

I’m still nervous about crossing the street, even at a crosswalk where I have the walk sign. I hope that never fully goes away, so I will always be extra cautious and never get careless again in the same way that caused me to step out in front of a car.

I ate at my favorite place, McCreary’s Irish Pub, and saw a movie at my favorite venue, the Franklin Theatre. I’m glad that my return trip brought way more memories of good times rather than that one bad night.

I wish my pinky finger would heal faster. It’s still swollen and I still can’t bend it at the lower joint. But healing takes time.

I think we do healing an injustice when we rush it. Or at least I do. I feel like I should be over it already and moved on, so I don’t really give myself time to get well. I get frustrated when the same old fears rear their ugly heads when I thought I was over all that, then I realize that I’m better, but not whole yet.

It’s okay to still be broken as long as you know you’re moving toward wholeness. It’s okay to admit that you got overwhelmed by fears and anxieties because you remember when those dominated your life from waking up to lying down at night.

If a broken bone doesn’t heal right, it sometimes has to be re-broken and set again so it can heal properly. I pray for all of us that we allow time for God’s healing to soak in and really get to all the deep dark broken places in us that need his light. May we remember that we are all works in progress and will be until Jesus comes back.

 

 

The Joys of Insomnia

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Last night, I couldn’t sleep. It was not fun.

I went to bed somewhere in the neighborhood of 11 pm and thought I would be good to go. An hour later, I knew I was in trouble. Every half hour later found me still wide awake and increasingly agitated with myself for not being able to sleep. I was also annoyed with my cat for being able to fall asleep the moment she laid down on the pillow (I’m sure she was equally annoyed with me for tossing and turning so much and waking her up). For the record, agitation doesn’t help you sleep. And no, warm milk did not help.

I have found the harder you try to sleep, the less likely it is that you will succeed. The old motto of “If at first you don’t succeed, try try again,” doesn’t work with insomnia. It only makes it worse.

This may or may not make sense to you, but I may or may not have fallen asleep somewhere between 2:30 and 7 am. I can’t really be sure that I wasn’t deep in thought or really sleeping. When I woke up in the morning, I didn’t feel like I had slept at all.

The good part is that I got in a lot of praying. Mostly along the lines of, “Lord, help me fall asleep,” but nevertheless, I had plenty of time to pray and meditate. The bad part is that I had plenty of time to think, too much time.

Hopefully, I will sleep better tonight. I have felt like a zombie all day and my mental capacity has been at the level of “fire bad, tree pretty.” It hasn’t been pretty.

Maybe I will experience the ultimate irony and dream about being awake all night with insomnia. Heck, I’ve dreamed stranger dreams than that by far.

I’m remembering the verse in the Psalms (I think) which says that God grants sleep to those he loves. That’s a beautiful promise. I pray tonight that both you and I realize that promise and that we wake up refreshed and ready for a new day full of possibilities and adventures and whatever God has in store for us.

Little Victories

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Sometimes, we make Christianity an “all or nothing” affair. That means if I don’t completely succeed, I’ve failed. If I don’t completely overcome every temptation and obey the voice of God at every turn, I’ve lost.

But I think that’s not how it works. Most days are three steps forward, two steps back. Most days, you win some and you lose some, but you always learn something from it.

I’ve learned that sometimes you have to be thankful for the little victories. Sometimes, those are the only things that keep you going when the battle seems hopeless and life seems too hard.

I found today that it was okay that someone I wanted to notice me didn’t. A conversation I wanted to happen didn’t and I was more than okay with it. I was fine.

I didn’t try to force something that wasn’t there. I stepped back and trusted God. I count that as a little victory.

It’s when you don’t give into fear. When you don’t let anxiety overwhelm you. When you’re able to take a couple of deep breaths and plow through. You may not look so pretty at the end of the day, but you’re alive and standing. And in my book that counts as a victory.

So here’s a lesson I’ve learned the hard way. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Don’t beat yourself up when you’re not at your best or when you mess up yet again. Remember that God really is bigger than the problems you’re facing. Remember his plans for you are still good and still in operation.

Remember all the little victories you’ve experienced over the years. Also remember that the biggest victory of the biggest fight you will ever face is already won. How do I know? Because Jesus has already won it.

 

 

Job Searching and Other Nonsense

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OK, for those just tuning in, I am on the prowl for a good job. Well, at this point, a job will do. It’s been a longer process than I thought it would be, but I’ve grown a lot in that time.

I actually had an interview with a company that would be a very good fit doing what I think would be a perfect fit for me. I think it went well. But I am generally not the best judge of those kind of things.

It can be nerve-wracking with the whole inner monologue going on in your head. That voice that says, “You will never find a job” or “You will have to settle for a job you dread going to every morning.”

If you manage to land an interview, the voice will say to you, “You won’t do well and you will say something to scare them off.” Even if you get the job offer, that voice will say, “You’re really not qualified for this job. You won’t last long before you screw up and get fired.”

For me, it was driving in my car on my way to a volleyball game that a sense of peace overwhelmed me. I knew in that moment that everything was going to be okay, whether I got the job or not.

God’s got a lot of practice giving His people the very best and working all things together for their good. A lot more than me, at any rate. He knows what’s best for me, often way better than I do, and He knows what job will be a good fit for me and what job will stress me out and make me miserable.

So all that to say, I’m in good hands. As I heard someone say, life is good and God is great. No matter what.

Just Relax

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I have yet another confession to make. I over-analyze everything. Well, most things anyway. I can wreck myself thinking too much about conversations I’ve had where I spoke and should have been silent or was silent and should have spoken. I’ve analyzed to death things friends have said that really didn’t mean what I thought they meant.

The word for today for me (and for you if you’re like me) is RELAX. Don’t over-analyze and don’t try so hard to force an outcome in your situation. Instead, enjoy the moment and watch expectantly for God to act.

I don’t mean veg out on the couch and eat bon-bons all day (or oreos, if you feel bon-bons aren’t manly enough). Live your life and have faith, or as Oswald Chambers said, “Trust God and do the next thing.”

God will act when He’s ready. When you’re really and truly ready and not when you think you are ready. In my experience, the longer the wait is, the better the surprise God has for you.

Sometimes, you wait until you think you can’t wait any longer. You hold out until you are absolutely about to run out of patience and strength and willpower. And then you wait some more. You come to the end of yourself and all your schemes and plans and the only prayer you can pray is, “Lord, help.”

The last time I checked, God was still sovereign. God was (and is) still in control. He still knows the number of hairs on your head and the number of tears you cry in the night. He more than anyone knows the secret desires of your heart and He more than anyone knows what will make you come alive and where you were created to be.

So relax. God’s got this. Like the old saying goes: there is a God and you’re not Him. I know for me, that’s a big load off my shoulders.

 

What Next?

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I’m sure you’ve been through a similar scenario in your life.

You get the call to come to your manager’s office. Or maybe to a neutral office. They sit you down and inform you that your job is being eliminated. In essence, you’ve just become very expendable.

You can call it any number of things. Let go. Laid off. Terminated. Downsized. Whatever you call it still doesn’t change the fact that you still don’t have a job to go to in the morning.

That was me at about 10:30 am today. I had no idea it was coming. I didn’t even know where the room was and had to ask somebody how to get there. I did know when I saw the manager and the HR person both sitting at the table that it probably wasn’t good news.

It still seems surreal that I lost my job today. I took one last walk around the trail close to the office and went to Starbucks and finished the book I was reading. Even now, it feels like a dream.

To me, this feels less like the end and more like a beginning. It’s less like a closing door and more like an open window.

I don’t know what’s next, but I do know that God does. If it’s possible to be anxious, excited, nervous, scared, and bewildered at the same time, then I am all of the above and then some.

I just read the verse in Psalms where it says, “I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their seed begging for bread.” It means that God takes care of His children.

Maybe this is God gently nudging me out of my nest into that unknown country, like the one God called Abraham to.

At a benefit concert tonight, I heard one of the performers say, “I want my life not to work if you take God out of the equation.”

That’s where I am. If God doesn’t come through, I’m in trouble. But I know based on the last 9,999 times that He will.

 

My prayer for this Wednesday

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O Great Lover of my soul, so captivate my senses that all I see is You, all I hear is Your voice and all I long to do is Your will. Make every breath a prayer, every thought a praise and every action an offering. Speak, O God, through my daily life so that everyone may know how You can turn ashes into beauty, dross into gold and something worthless into something priceless.  Remind me that there is no such thing as a lost cause or a hopeless case with You, because NOTHING is impossible for You!

Help me to see with your eyes, feel with your heart, reach out with your hands, and run with your feet toward the broken, outcast, and hopeless ones. Break my heart like your heart was broken over what sin does to Your people. Give me Your passion to see Your people unified, singing with one voice the praises that are due You, lifting up holy hands in prayer and laying down their lives for Your kingdom.

Forgive me the times I have slandered Your name by professing Your name with my lips and denying the same with my lifestyle. Forgive me for seeking to curry favor with the popular when You have always sought after the widows and orphans and outcasts of the world. Forgive me for making so much of myself and so little of You. Forgive me the times when I was silent out of fear instead of being Your voice to the lost and hurting. Forgive me my weakness and unbelief.

Send your Spirit in a mighty outpouring over this land. Let your revival sweep over your Church and let it begin in me. Awake your peoples to be glad and shout for joy at the Eternal Song that is You. May the buildings were Your people meet be shaken to the core, and the people inside broken and mended into new creations. Let us never quit until we have testified of Your goodness to every tongue, tribe, and nation on the planet.

Come quickly, Lord Jesus!