I am OK with being a substitute person. I really really am. I will be the best friend I can be regardless, whether I was your first choice or last. It doesn’t matter.

Also, I am believing more and more that given time, Jesus can change and fix and heal ANYTHING. No matter how deep the hurt, how unbearable the pain, how broken and beyond repair. Jesus’ love can take ANYTHING and make it beautiful and good. Even in me.

I found out that my heart is not as whole and together as I thought. There are still wounded places where I have not gone in a long time that need healing. I pray for the healing of others, but don’t always recognize when I need it for me. But Jesus knows. And He started the healing process before I even thought to ask.

There are people I would like to read this, but if they don’t, that is fine. There are wishes I have that I have to take every day to the foot of the cross and surrender and say, Not my will but Yours. Even if Your will means my will be undone.

I am learning surrender and trust. To be still and know that God is God and He is always for me. That He waits for me when I am running after everything else.

I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder what the point of blogging and facebook posting is, but I keep doing it. Just like I keep trusting and believing when it seems pointless.

I have to tell myself again that what I feel and think lies to me all the time, so I can’t trust those. The heart is deceitful above all things and the mind is the first to be deceived. But Jesus is still the Truth, the Way, and the Life. No matter what I’m feeling at the time.

Amen and amen. And thanks for letting me ramble.

I used to think I knew everything. I used to think I had it all figured out. Not anymore.

Now I know there’s so much I’ll never know but I know this: Jesus is faithful.

I make all sorts of promises and manifestos about how I am going to make all sorts of great changes, then fall right back into old fears and lies. I can’t even last one day with my promises. But Jesus is true to His part.

I surrender a desire of mine to God, only to take it back and try to figure out some way to make my way work. I get my hopes all built up on a potential relationship, only to have them come crashing down on me, leaving me with a broken heart and doubts about myself. But Jesus never changes.

I can talk religious and spiritual with the best of them, but my thoughts are a cesspool and my attitudes stink most of the time. I am so very thankful mind-reading is not one of the spiritual gifts, or I would be supremely screwed. Jesus knows, and loves me anyway.

I can look like the most-together spiritually-mature person on the planet, but inside I am fighting back fears and phobias. I wear a mask that looks so real, people think it’s me. But it’s not. Jesus died for the real me.

What do I know for sure? Jesus. He’s faithful, He’s true, He never changes, He loves me no matter what, and He died for me. He’s my constant, my True North.

So what does it matter what anyone else thinks (and why do I obsess over what they think of me so much)? My goal is not to be popular, but faithful. My aim is to please One person, not many.

I will tell myself this story over and over until it really sinks in. I will tell you this story over and over until you can see it the way I’m coming to see it– as good news. The best news you’ll ever hear.

Amen and amen.

It’s not enough to have knowledge. It’s not enough to give mental assent to a belief. The devil knows his scripture, as he showed in the temptation of Jesus. Demons know exactly who Jesus is and what His mission is. But that knowledge will never make it to belief and trust .

The key is not knowledge, but trust. I may have all kinds of knowledge, but it does me no good unless I put that knowledge into action. The purpose of knowing about Jesus is that it will inspire me to know Him more. To love Him more. To surrender my will to His will and be willing to go wherever He wants.

The pharisees had knowledge, too. They of all people should have know who Jesus was when they saw Him. But they didn’t. Because it didn’t fit their agenda. If I have my own agenda and make my own rules, I won’t give up contol. It’s only when I see that my agendas don’t work and my rules fail me every time and my ideas of being in control are an illusion that I will follow Jesus.

Don’t just believe with your head. Believe with your heart. Believe with your hands and feet. Believe not only in words, but actions, too. Let your faith be one part of your live. Let it be your life.

If  I believe Jesus is who He says He is and can do what He says He can do, there’s nothing in my hands worth holding on to, no plan of mine I won’t surrender, no part of me I won’t lay at His feet.

Faith doesn’t mean anything unless it activates you. Faith doesn’t count for much as long as it’s only a facebook status and not somethin that makes you come alive.

My prayer is that Jesus will captivate and transform your heart into one that seeks wholeheartedly after Him.

Amen and amen.

I love the part of Mr. Holland’s Opus where one of his students, now a governor, gives a speech about how Mr. Holland has impacted so many lives. She says that she and so many others are who they are because of his influence. She tells him, “We are your symphony.”

You and I are part of God’s symphony. We are each notes in the opus He has been creating and performing since He first breathed life into man. We are His song of hope to the world that says that this is not as good as it gets. That the best is yet to come. Or that the best has already come and is taking over and His name is Jesus.

We are God’s love letters to the world. People read our lives and see how much Jesus loves them. People hear not only what we say, but how we act, and that speaks volumes of how much God means to us and how much we value Him.

We are God’s works of art. We were each at one point an ugly mess, without form or shape, without purpose or point. But He has taken us and made us beautiful. He has taken you and is forming you into His masterpiece, His trophy of grace that will one day amaze and astound the world.

We are God’s children. He sought us out before we ever thought of seeking Him. He came for us before we knew we needed rescuing. He paid everything to win our hearts. We each were worth enough for Him to go to a  bloody and tortuous death on a cross. You were worth it! I was worth it!

 I don’t know about you, but I want to be the best note in God’s symphony. I want my life to be the best love letter it can be. I want to be God’s masterpiece. I want to be a child who makes his father proud. I hope you do, too. Let our lives from now on be one big THANK YOU to God for all He’s done for us.

Amen and amen.

I really don’t understand people who are so legalistic and dogmatic all the time. Don’t they know that it took the same amount of Jesus’ blood to cover them, too? Aren’t they aware deep down of their own faults and weaknesses? When Jesus wept over Jerusalem, why do they seem to gloat over the fact that some people are going to hell? And why am I like that sometimes?

I need grace daily. I need it hourly. Today I needed it on a minute-by-minute basis. I am trying to give more grace and understanding to people because I know in my heart who I am without the grace of God and it is not pretty or PG-13.

I am still learning to forgive myself. I can’t ever do anything right by my own standards sometimes, but thankfully God doesn’t judge me by my own standards. He sees me through Jesus and He is satisfied with me, because He sees the perfect righteousness and finished work of Jesus.

I figured out that I have to yet again surrender trying to make things work my way and let God have His way in me. I prayed the old Elisabeth Elliot prayer, Thy will be done, even if it means my will be undone.

It still boggles my mind that God chose to use me. That I can be a part of seeing His kingdom break through in my lifetime. That I can be God’s hands and feet and be Jesus to the broken and needy.

I am so beyond thankful for good friends and good conversation. I don’t deserve either, but I have both. I am blessed. So why do I worry and complain? And why am I always putting my hope in something that’s just around the corner instead of resting in and enjoying what I have right now?

Thank You, God, that grace wins everytime, because I need a victory right now. Thank You for the everlasting arms that are over and around and under me as I write this.

Amen and amen.

Again, I am attempting to convey what I believe Jesus is saying to you right now:

Come to Me, all you who are overworked beyond exhaustion and can’t move another step. Just one more step is all you need, one that involves kneeling and raising your hands in surrender to My love.

Come to me, all you who woke up in a puddle of your own vomit. Don’t bother to clean yourself up or straighten yourself out. I want you just as you are.

Come to Me, all you who woke up with a strange person in your bed, not knowing how he or she got there. I still have an “Open” sign on my door, no matter what you’ve done.

Come to Me, all you whose first thought upon waking was regret over a rash deed or a harsh word that you can’t ever take back. Come and find rest and forgiveness– forgiveness from Me and forgiveness for yourself from yourself.

Come to Me, all you who have hopelessly lost your way and ended up in some dark, lurid paths to places you never thought you’d ever go. I am Your Way Home. Follow me.

Come to me, all you who feel like you will never be good enough or strong enough or brave enough. I will be your goodness and your strength and your courage.

Come to me, all you continually profess me with your words but deny me with your lifestyle. I still love you and I still can change your heart so that you will long for Me and for My will.

Don’t bring Me your excuses. Don’t bring Me promises to do better. Don’t bring Me justifications or denials or any kind of “Well, at least I’m not as bad as. . .” or “Everyone else is. . .”

Just bring Me you. Come before me and bring Me your broken heart, your wasted life, your shattered dreams, your dashed hopes, and I will give you rest. I will give you a million second chances, a clean heart, a meaningful life, mind-blowing dreams, and renewed hopes. I will give you My heart, My life, My dreams and My hopes for you.

Just come to me. Take that first step. If you can’t, call my name. If you can’t, reach out to me. If you can’t, look to Me and I will give your silence a Voice. All I need is just the beginning of your surrender and I will come running to You, arms open, ready to embrace you and love you back home.

Just come.

I admit it. I am a goober. I do stuff and look back and wonder what the heck I was thinking. I get anxious and overanalytical about things I said and didn’t say and how I really offended someone, when that person wasn’t the least bit offended. I have in the past read way too much into what a girl said or did not say and got my hopes up when I shouldn’t have or gave up too soon when I maybe should have persevered a bit longer.

Particularly, I am not good when I don’t get a response. Ok, I suck at non-responses. I imagine all kinds of things– I really messed up with this person and they are really upset with me, or they are no longer interested in my friendship. Again, my imagination tends to run contrary to the truth. Which is that the person is busy or forgot or actually has a life outside of responding to my posts. Go figure.

But God loves goobers like me. He’s working on me and, believe it or not, I am way less anxious and overanalytical as I used to be. His love is changing me and making me into something new. Not something normal, but something extraordinary.

If you are a goober like me, fret not. There is hope. God still does miracles and He can make your life into something that will amaze and astound you and bring glory to His name. People will look at your life and be captivated by the God who could do something like that.

So relax and breath slowly. You really are going to be OK. Learn to rest in God and His timing and His ways and you will find the perfect peace that passes all understanding ruling your heart and mind. You will find that His perfect love is casting out all your fears, one by one.

So that’s it. I try too hard a lot of the time and I’m passive too much. I am also way blessed to have friends and family that see me not as I am, but as I will be through the grace of God. And Jesus has promised He will be right there with me until the very end when He can show off His finished masterpiece in me to the world.

Amen and amen.