I don’t know if I should be posting this in a public place. Well, really it’s not a dirty secret. So I guess it’s okay. It’s more of an admission that is a bit of a blow to my pride. So here it is (ta-da!)

Hi! My name is Greg Johnson. I am 38 years old and I have never had a girlfriend. Actually, that wasn’t so bad. I never had. Not one. Not unless you count that kindergarten fling I had with a girl named Carrie.

Girlfriendlessness is not a path most guys have taken and it is not a path I would have chosen. And for the record I do like women exclusively when it comes to the romance department. Just for the record.

Still I look back on all these years and I can finally see how God blessed me there. I have finally come to embrace this path because that’s where I found out how deeply God really loves me and how strong His arms really are to carry me, to hold me, to embrace me, and to comfort me. I can look back and see in faith Him singing softly over me during those nights when I wanted to die and felt like I wasn’t worth anyone’s love.

I can also see the major pain I avoided, especially the pain I would have caused the girlfriends due to my extreme insecurities and neediness and lack of self-esteem. I thought I was unattractive and that no girl could ever possibly be interested in me because I had nothing to offer. I see now that I am fearfully and wonderfully made and that I do have a lot to offer. The way I make myself attractive is to follow hard after Jesus and let Him live through me in a lifestyle of compassion and kindness and chivalry.

So there’s my secret. Know that if you are like me, you are not alone. And trust me, God knows. He has not forgotten you, nor will He ever. Just listen for that still, small voice singing over you during the silent watches of the night.

PS I’m 41 and three years have passed since I penned this blog. I have come to a place of deep contentment with where I am. Ok, at least 95% of the time. I’d still like to date and eventually get married, but if that’s not God’s plan for me, I can honestly say I am fine with that. God alone is more than enough.

I thought about you again today. Especially today. I thought of how great it would be to have you close to me in front of some roaring fire after the kids have gone to bed in anticipation of Santa. We would have played Santa and then sat down, you snuggling up close to me and me sighing in deep contentment.

I know that marriage is not the be-all, end-all panacea to life’s problems. I know it will be incredibly hard and that we will both find out how selfish and self-centered we can be at  times. But already I am committing to love you no matter what and stick it out no matter what happens.

Thank you that you saw something that other girls didn’t (or wouldn’t). You chose to look deeper, past the insecurities and the awkwardness to the true me inside. You saw the Jesus in me and fell in love, just as I saw the Jesus in you and was captivated by the beauty there.

Our first Christmas together will have presents, but my main gift to you will be me. It will be me doing all I can at whatever cost to me or my ego or my way of doing things to seek your happiness and your Christlikeness. When my job’s done, you’ll be the one who knows how far love goes, as the Dar Williams song says.

I am getting closer to you. I feel that not that I am more ready, but I know how much I will need Jesus to make this work. It will have to be the Jesus in me loving the Jesus in you. I am finding out that there is a tender warrior inside me that is ready to ravish and cherish and bless your heart.

Pray for me this Christmas that I will be able to guard my heart against being carried away by every infatuation and crush that comes my way. Pray that I will guard my mind against temptations and thoughts that will surely come. And I will pray the same for you.

One day, our friendship will blossom into love, or as a facebook friend put it, our friendship will catch on fire. Not an explosion that dies out, but a slow and steady burn that lasts. I am looking forward to loving you more every day until the day I die, and will one day be

Your future husband.

I am no expert by any means. But I have lived enough and seen enough to know a few things. One of these is that you can’t expect to attract a certain kind of person unless you are striving yourself to be that kind of person. For instance, if you are always flirty and shallow, you can’t expect to find a deep and lasting relationship from that.

I can’t expect someone else to be something I’m not. Or at least I can’t expect them to be what I’m not willing to strive toward. If I want a godly woman for a wife, I have to be in pursuit of godliness myself. If I want her to be kind and compassionate, I have to be kind and compassionate myself.

A hard question to ask: If you are not liking the kind of people you are attracting, maybe you need to be the first one to change. I am not trying to be judgmental or slam anybody. I hope this will encourage you toward seeking Christ not just to be a better potential husband or wife, but because Jesus is worth it.

A friend of mine today told me that if you have a standard for dating and relationships, you have to be that standard. You will attract people who love Christ by the way you demonstrate your own love for Christ. You will attract people who are loving and caring and kind by showing love and care and kindness, regardless of who it is you’re serving.

I am so far from having it all figured out. I am probably the world’s worst when it comes to dating and relationships. These are some things I need to work on myself.

Thank you, Jesus, that you can take just the tiniest beginnings of a Yes to you, and turn it into a transformation that will bring utmost glory to Your name!

Though my plans disintegrate and my aspirations die, though my dreams shatter and my goals are thwarted, even if no woman is ever romantically interested in me and all my friends leave me, though I never have another visible reminder of God’s presence of of spiritual comfort, if all I have in life is God and only God, I will lift up my hands up to Heaven and proclaim that my Yahweh is good to me. My Yahweh is AWESOME!!!

I was walking down Main Street in downtown Franklin in my Old navy peacoat, looking in the windows and feeling just like Cary Grant in The Bishop’s Wife. I almost expected a celestial assignment to go help some soul in need. And I thought of you again.

I lost my way a bit recently. I veered away from trusting God for you to trying to bring you to me by my own schemes and efforts. Once again, all my efforts fell flat and failed miserably. Thankfully with Jesus, failure is never final, but rather can be a channel for some of God’s greatest blessings.

I know you’re out there and when I finally meet you, it won’t be awkward or uncomfortable. It will be like I am finally coming home. We will be two parts of the same soul who will be finally together and whole.

I am back to trusting God for now, but I confess I am weak. And selfish. And stubborn. And a little goofy. Oh, and sometimes a jerk. But everyday God makes me a little more like Jesus and everyday I believe I am one step closer to you.

We will find that we will be able to serve Jesus together better than we ever could have apart. I will see your compassionate heart and your beautiful spirit and that’s what will make me fall in love with you.

It won’t be easy, but if we both come to Jesus with our brokenness and weakness, He can take our ashes and turn them into something beautiful– a marriage that will be a witness to the world of God’s faithfulness and goodness.

Stay trusting and pray for me that I will stay trusting as well. I still can’t wait to meet you, but I will. Then the adventure will not be over, but only just beginning  . . .