dating

Yet Another Blog About Marriage from the Perpetually Single Guy

/ Ragamuffingospelfan / 2 Comments

I have to admit something. I’m a bit disturbed.

Maybe I shouldn’t be. Maybe a little envy is creeping in, but I get disturbed by the way people on facebook are describing the ones that they will very probably end up marrying.

The descriptions are things like “tall” or “hot” or some other physical attribute. I know attraction is important, but is it the most important thing?

This is the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with and walk through all the seasons and storms of life with. It won’t matter if he’s got six-pack abs when you’re dealing with the loss of a family member. It won’t matter how “hot” he is when you’re struggling to make ends meet and wondering which bill will be left unpaid this month.

The most important thing, the first thing you should be able to say about your potential spouse, is what kind of character he or she has. Is he kind? Is she considerate? How does he treat strangers? How does she talk about her family and friends when they’re not around?

Again, I admit that I am probably making something out of nothing, but I have to get this out in the open so it won’t hang around in my brain and keep me from sleeping tonight.

Mostly, I see a generation that is obsessed with having the perfect weddings, but not nearly ready enough to have successful, impacting marriages. So much of what passes for dating these days is “pretending to be married and practicing for divorce,” as I heard it put once.

One last thing. There’s no prize for how fast you move from dating to being engaged to being married. Take your time and learn everything you can about the other person.

I may be eternally single and date-less, but I do know this: if you try to make a relationship fulfill what only God was meant to fulfill, it will fail miserably.

I have a lot to learn about this, as well as many other areas, but I do know that God is still good and He is still eternally patient with me.

The moral? Take all this with a grain of salt and read it with grace. But keep your eyes open and your mind intact. Love isn’t something you fall into; it’s something that you must choose again each day, something you must work at, something that may at times be very hard, but at all times will be worth it.

Turning the big 4-Uh-Oh

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In less than six days, I turn 40.

Yes, I’ve heard that 40 is the new 30, and 20 is the new 10. I guess that makes 10 the new embryo.

I’m gonna be 40. Right now, I think I’m in denial. I’ve been telling everyone I am celebrating the 15th anniversary of my 25th birthday, which is true and sounds less ominous that the dreaded “turning 40.”

Am I where I thought I would be at 40? Not even close.

I’m not married. Or engaged. Or dating. Or even remotely close to dating (I’ve always heard that for dating to work you need to not only be attracted to someone, but that someone should also be attraced back. Funny how that always seems to be the case.)

Sometimes, if I let myself think about how far off-course I am from where I envisioned myself, it’s enough to make me uber-bummed.

But as I was reminded this week, God’s ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts. As far as the heavens are above the earth, so His thoughts are that much higher than mine.

I see only a tiny part of the picture while He sees the whole thing. He knows where I need to be and He knows how to get me there when I am good and ready, and not one second before then.

Daily, it’s a fight to seek first the Kingdom of God and not my own itinerary. It’s hard to keep trusting in God when He leads me contrary to where everything in me tells me I should go.

Still, I know that even though I don’t know the way or how I will get there, I can trust the One leading me. I can look back at His proven track record and know that He’s got me.

I’m in Good Hands.

The So-Called Greener Pasture

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“And don’t be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life” (1 Corinthians 7:17a).

The media tells you that you can’t be satisfied where you are. Our entire economy is based on the idea that for you to be completely satisfied, you just need a new car or a new house or a new 100-inch 3D plasma TV.

So many single people are so pre-occupied with getting married that they lose the beauty of being single. Some will get married to the first person who shows interest back and find out the hard way that being alone in a bad marriage is worse than being alone and single.

Even married people are tempted daily that what they have isn’t enough. There are myriad oppurtinities for you to find comfort and solace in someone who is not your spouse. No one starts out looking to wreck his or her marriage with an affair. It starts innocently enough with confiding in that co-worker and opening up emotionally to the friend of your spouse.

We miss so much of our lives waiting on the next big event. For single people, it’s marriage. For married people, it’s having children. For married people with children, it’s having the kids grow up and leave the house so they can go back to the way it was when they were first married.

Only you can’t ever go back. You can’t live in the future. The only life you have is now in the present and if you are so focused on what comes next, you will miss what God has for you right now.

God is outside of time and in every moment of your life. But He is only speaking to you in the present. You can only commune with Him in the now. If your mind is envisioning possible futures and rehearsing future conversations and imagining what 5 years from now will bring, you will miss the precious word that God is speaking to you right now.

The best place you can be is where you are right now. Where God has you is the perfect place for you to learn and grow and become the person who is ready for what God has for you in the future.

That’s where I want to be. I hope and pray that’s where you want to be, too.

So take a deep breath. Look around and smell some roses. Enjoy where you are. If it’s a difficult season of life, look for the proverbial silver lining.

The best thing you will find is God there, ready to speak a word into your soul that will change everything about the way you see yourself and your situation.

All that greener pasture? It’s not so green when you get there.

For When You Can’t Sleep

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Right now, it’s 12:49 am and I’m not even close to being sleepy. Maybe it’s the chicken sandwich I had from Sam’s today (which was great) or maybe the caffeine.

I think it’s just thoughts that won’t lie down and rest until I get them written down.

I think I have to let a dream die.

It was a longshot to begin with and I thought I had already let it go, but now I really am saying goodbye.

I think I always knew that the person I was interested in wasn’t interested in me the same way. At least 99% of me did.

But that 1% kept hanging aroud, hoping against hope, looking for some kind of sign where there were none to be found.

So now I’m officially 100% sure. And I am glad we’re friends. Honestly, that’s enough.

Still, letting that dream die, knowing the finality of it all, is still hard.

God, help me always to guard my heart and to know that all my times are in Your hands.

I trust that You still work all things together for good for those who love You.

Now I think I’ll go and try that whole sleep thing again.

 

What Maturity in the Faith Looks Like

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I had some random thoughts on the concept of maturity as a believer and what that should look like. Not that I’m so very mature or perfect, but I’m beginning to catch glimpses of what the finished product will look like.

It means that I am finally comfortable in my own skin. I’m not wishing I were taller or shorter or better looking or 5 to 10 pounds lighter. It means I look in the mirror and really like the person looking back.

It means I am at peace with the silence and don’t need constant noises to distract me from my own inner monologue. It means I can be alone and not always have to be in a crowd or with people all the time.

It means that I am finding my completeness in Christ and not looking for something or someone to validate my existence or give my life meaning. I am not defined by a relationship or the lack thereof, by my income level, my living situation, or anything else but by what God has told me and who He has said I am.

It means there is not a person out there that I can’t learn something from. It also means that I never reach the point where I will finally have all the answers and have God figured out neatly into a tidy doctrinal box.

It means that I am strong enough to be weak, and more than that, to boast in my weaknesses, so that the power that raised Christ from the dead, that resurrection power, can work best in me.

It means I have learned that some of the most important words are “I’m sorry. I was wrong. Forgive me” and “I will choose to forgive you.” When speaking to God, the two most important phrases are “Help me” and “Thank you.”

It means that you look for the best in others and always give the benefit of the doubt and never, never, never, never give up believing in or praying for those in your life who are trying to do right.

It means that I can love as God loves, giving without expecting anything back. It means that I become a vessel always being filled with the love of Jesus and always running over and always overflowing on to those around me, so that God is truly loving those people through me.

Finally, it means that I am already who God said I would be. I am perfect and holy and righteous because He declared it to be so.

Ok, I lied. One more. It means that no matter how hopeless or bad or forlorn my situation looks like, I can know that it will turn out for the best, because God will finish what He started in me. One day, sooner than later, it will all have been worth it and there will not have been any part of my story that God didn’t turn into something beautiful.

 

Just Some of My Own Observations

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I am a people-watcher. Not in a creepy stalker way. But I do tend to watch how people behave and act and I have come up with some of my own observations over the years.

Most people are serial daters rather than those who practice biblical courtship. I heard something profound once about the current dating system that stuck with me– a lot of the current dating involves pretending to be married and practising for divorce. Ouch.

I think that thanks to the media and the unrealistic view of love given to us by the movies and television, most people are in love with love and not their significant other. Most are much more interested in planning the perfect wedding day than preparing for a marriage with a solid foundation that will weather the seasons and survive the storms.

Along those lines, I think a lot of people are good at falling in love, but not at staying in love. If you fall in love, you can fall out of love. Love that lasts is always a choice to seek the welfare of the other at your own expense, regardless of how you feel or if you feel like it or not.

Many parents are seeking to raise their children in church, but not to raise them in Christ. In order for faith to be genuine and to last, it must be your own and not your parents’. Children are always watching to see if you practice what you preach and the way you live speaks much louder than the words that come out of your mouth.

There are many professing Christians, but not many disciples. Many say they love Jesus, but far fewer are willing to do what He says. Even fewer are seeking to get to know this Jesus and find His heart for the world. Jesus Himself told us that those who love Him will obey Him.

Many have their opinions about what’s wrong with the world, but those who criticize are rarely the ones who are trying to make the world better. Those who are seeking to make a difference and be God’s hands and feet to transform their world rarely have time for criticism.

In the end, if I want to find out what’s wrong with the world, all I have to do is look in the mirror. I see when I failed to do right and speak up for the defenceless and be salt and light. If I want to find out the solution to all the world’s problems, I go back to that same mirror. With God working in and through me, I may not change the world, but I can at least help one person, and as the Jewish saying goes, to save one person is to save the whole world.

To My Single Friends Out There

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I heard some good dating advice recently. The pastor spoke of how Abraham sent out his servant to find a wife for his son Isaac. The servant’s test for who God picked for Isaac was the one who not only offered to give him water, but also to give water to his camels. In other words, the attribute he was looking for was kindness.

Is kindness on your list of top ten attributes you look for in a mate? Honestly, until very recently, I can’t say that it was on mine. Kindness is a virtue that gets overlooked these days, or gets mislabled as being passive or being a pushover. All those articles on ten easy steps to finding Mr. or Mrs. Right probably will leave kindness off their lists.

But remember this. Kindness is important. After all, it was the kindness of the Lord which led you to repentence. It was His kindness that led you to your salvation. Kindness can break through hard hearts where brute strength and force never could.

I bet if you were to ask a man or woman who has been married for more than 10 years, a couple who has weathered all the seasons and storms of life, how they value kindness, they would probably rate it high on their list. After physical beauty fades, kindness remains. When the money is gone, kindness will still be around. After the confident swagger is shaken, kindness is what’s left.

Kindness is love given to the least of these, to those who can’t pay it back, to those who need it most but don’t know how to express that need. Kindness is given without any expectation or return or reward, but is its own reward. As the song says, “In the end, only kindness matters.” I believe that’s true.

Do you? Then choose kindness.

A Very Un-Christmasy Blog, Or Hard Lessons I Learned Again

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This isn’t the ususal yuletide greetings and jolly fat wishes for a happy and merry Christmas. This is what I had to learn yet again because my head is harder than that fruit cake you’lll probably get from FedEx, courtesty of Aunt Marge.

You can’t make anyone like you or be interested in you. You can only be who God has called you to be and run as hard as you can after Jesus. If God has someone for you, you’ll find them running just as hard as you in the same direction.

You can’t make anyone return your friendship. You can only be a friend for your part and keep being a friend, whether the kindly gesture is returned or not.

In fact, the truest love gives without expecting anything back. Love seeks the best for the other, no matter what it costs the giver, and never seeks what’s best for self over the other person.

Jesus loved like that. He came and gave all His love to a world that either rejected it, or –much worse than that– ignored it. Jesus died for ungrateful people who have yet to acknowledge His gift, much less receive it.

So maybe this is a kind of Christmas blog. It comes with a Yuletide Challenge: Find one person to give a gift to who you know won’t repay the favor. Seek out those who are unloveable and love them. Seek out those who are unwanted, and show them Christ wants them. Give not just presents or money or time, but you– your life, your aspirations and goals and dreams, everything you are. Give yourself away this Christmas.

I will probably need to re-learn these lessons again, but hopefully not for a while. They’re not the kind that are easy to learn. But every now and then, we need to be reminded.

I love what I heard someone say when explaining why we sing to God every week. It’s not that He needs to be reminded, but we do. We’re the ones who forget who we are and how much we need God and how faithful God has been, is, and will ever be toward those who trust in Him.

Now go drink some wassail.

A Prayer for My Friends Tonight

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God, I bring my friends before you tonight. I know that You know what they need better than I do and even better than they do.

God, they are burdened and heavy-laden with work and with school, with spouses and with romantic relationships, with family and friends.

Grant them Your perfect peace tonight and enfold them in Your arms so that they can feel You near to know that You are just as near when they can’t feel You.

Grant them the joy than transcends circumstances and events, good or bad. Joy that can only come from You and that other people can only attribute to You.

Give them wisdom in their friendships. Bring people into their lives who will draw out the God-colors in them and inspire them to hunger and thirst after righteousness and to above all yearn for Jesus more than life itself.

Remove the people who hinder them being who You called them to be. Lord, even me, if I am a hindrance to Your work in their lives. Give them the grace to let the people go who You take out of their existance.

Above all, give them a single passion and vision: to follow hard after You, regardless of what it costs or what anyone else around them thinks. May they see only You and love only You. May their love for others be Your love flowing through them.

Lord, cause Your face to shine on them and be gracious to them. Take them to the lowliest people and let them be Your hands and feet to those who will never be able to repay what You do to them through my friends.

I pray for success and prosperity and good fortune for my friends. More than that, I pray intimacy and a deeper, wilder love for You, even if it comes at the expense of success and prosperity and good fortune.

Thank You for my friends. May they know how grateful I am. Much more than that, may they know each and every day and all through the night how You love them and how fond You are of them and how You call them beloved and how You are their Abba Father. May they each hear the sweet sound of You singing with joy over them in the deep waches of the night.

That’s my prayer for them tonight. Amen.

Taken, Blessed, Broken, Given

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lifeofthebeloved

“During the meal, Jesus took and blessed the bread, broke it, and gave it to his disciples: Take, eat. This is my body” (Matthew 26:26).

I’m in the middle of another Henri Nouwen book and I am loving it. He more than any other writer (except for maybe Brennan Manning) always seems to speak to where I am right here and now.

He says, “To identify the movements of the Spirit in our lives, I have found it helpful to use four words: ‘taken,’ ‘blessed,’ broken,’ and ‘given.'”

I had never thought about it that way before. I never looked at Jesus breaking the bread at Passover and made an analogy to my own life.

We are taken (or chosen) by God who loved us from the start. We are blessed by Him with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms. We are broken by our own sin and the broken and marred world we live in with so much poverty, injustice, and inhumanity. We are given to be God’s hands and feet to bring healing and justice and compassion into the world.

I read somewhere that my life is loaves and fishes. Remember the ones that Jesus used to feed the 5,000? In and of myself, I can’t do much. But if I am blessed and broken and poured out, God can bless so many more through me.

News flash: God takes and uses broken lives, scarred hearts, screwed-up pasts, and promises left unfulfilled. He can use anybody. In fact, He more often than not prefers the outcasts and nobodies and failures to be the ones to turn the world upside down (see the 12 disciples for examples).

Lord, may I be taken by You, Who chose me before I was born and gave me the name Beloved, and blessed with as much of You as I can stand. Break my heart for the things that break Yours and then give me out to those in need.

PS The book I’m reading is Life of the Beloved. Expect more blogs to come out of this. I’m not even halfway through. And, to throw in yet another shameless plug, go buy or download or pilfer or ingest this book as soon as humanly possible. It’s that good.