darkness

Revisiting the Old Fears

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All fear is but the notion that God’s love ends” (Ann Voskamp).

Sometimes they do come back.

I’m talking about fears. Every so often, you will run into one of those along your path, usually when you least expect it and thought you had dealt with it.

Here’s a few examples.

Someone stops responding to your texts. The fear says, “See? You’ve offended that person in some way. You’ve ruined the relationship and it will never again be the same.”

A good friend moves to another town. “The fear moved in and whispers, “She won’t tell you to your face, but the real reason she moved was to get away from you.”

The one that dogged me for years was this: “Every one will eventually abandon you. Once they’ve seen what you’re really like, they won’t want to have anything more to do with you. They’ll start by growing distant with you and then disappear altogether. Nothing you do matters. No one notices anything you say. You might as well never have been born.”

Or maybe your fear goes like this: “You’re not worth someone’s love. No one could ever be attracted to you. You are repulsive to the opposite sex. You will always be alone.”

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Fear lies. That’s its nature.

Fear doesn’t come from God. Ever. Fear comes from the father of lies and means to keep you from God, imprisoned in your anxieties and phobias

Remember, perfect love casts out fear. And you are perfectly loved, just as you are, not as you should be or could be.

Name the fear. Expose it. Demons die in the light. Rebuke that fear OUT LOUD in the name of Jesus.

You in and of yourself will never defeat fear, but the power of Christ in you has already beaten it once and for all. That power is yours now to claim.

If you’ve allowed yourself to be mastered again to that fear, repent and move forward. Shame is a close relative of fear and is just as bent on keeping you away from God. Shame is also a defeated foe.

You as a child of God fight not for victory but FROM it. Keep that in mind and have a blessed Monday!

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Alone But Not Lonely

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I was literally sitting in the dark on the upstairs patio at Frothy Monkey. One friend has been AWOL from my life for a while now, another moved to Cookeville today, and yet another was instagramming about how much fun she was having with friends listening to music at Franklin Mercantile just down the street.

And I sat alone in the dark.

And I was okay with it.

Sometimes, it’s good to be alone. In fact, it’s more than good. It’s necessary. You can never really effectively be present in a crowd if you can never be alone. You only hear your true name and your true identity in those times of aloneness.

It took me embracing those times of being alone to hear that I am my Abba’s beloved and to know that I belong to Him and He is very pleased with me.

I tried to message my friend to find out if she was still in the area and got no response. So I walked over to the Franklin Mercantile only to find I had missed everything. The crowd, including my friend, was gone.

I was still okay.

That used to be a recurring nightmare of mine. I’d find my friends had all left me suddenly or that I was just a step or a second too slow and would just miss them.

But tonight, I knew I wasn’t alone. Those Strong Arms that hold me up in the day and in the crowded places are just as able to carry me through the dark places where I am alone.

You can only hear your Abba singing over you when you’re alone. You can never truly appreciate God as a refuge and stronghold and place of rest in a crowd, but in those times when no one else is around.

I pray you can embrace being alone as much as you cherish being with family and friends. May you learn to love the dark, for that is where your Father will whisper precious promises to you that you will come to cherish more dearly than anything you can find at any other time.

Early Autumn Breezes

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Today was perfect. It was like God sent a sneak preview of fall about two months early and gave us Nashvillians (and lots of other folks) a break from the usual heat and humidity that’s the norm for this time of year.

I actually ate lunch outside and went for my usual walk and for once didn’t sweat like that pig that’s about to become Sunday dinner. It was lovely. And I managed not to get hit by any cars, which is always a plus.

I think it’s amazing what little surprises come your way when you let go of expectations and assumptions of other people and live in a kind of anticipation of what God will do next. When you have those rare moments when you’re totally unaware of self and focused on being the kind of person to others that you’ve always wanted them to be to you. You can’t control other people or how they’ll respond, but you can control you. You can choose Christlikeness in each moment and leave the results to God.

I’ve long ago stopped trying to figure out Tennessee weather and enjoy the mild sunny days, whether those come in January or May or August. Who knows? The next day could be hot. Or rainy.

As my old boss used to say, any day without a toe tag is a good day. That is, any day you’re alive is a day worth living. I know most of us are always eagerly awaiting the next Friday so the all-too-short weekend can begin. But there’s a lot of good things happening during the week if you’re not too busy looking ahead to see them.

On a side note, it’s amazing how a certain smell in the air or the way a breeze hits me can trigger memories of what I was feeling when I was 15. It’s as if for a brief moment I’ve time-travelled back 26 years and am reliving a single good moment. For some reason, autumn does that to me more than any of the other seasons.

I digress. Go enjoy the weather. Go for an evening stroll or lay out in the hammock. Sit on the back porch or lay out in the grass under the stars. Even if it’s for 15 minutes. You won’t regret it. I promise.

Things I Love 37: Wouldn’t It Be Loverly?

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“The true Love Dare. To move into His presence and listen to His love unending and know the grace uncontainable. This is the vault of the miracles. The only thing that can change us, the world, is this- all His love” (Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are).

“Grace is alive, living waters. If I dam up the grace, hold the blessings tight, joy within dies… waters that have no life” (Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are).

“The wrinkled man in the wheelchair with the legs wrapped, the girl with her face punctured deep with the teeth marks of a dog, the mess of the world, and I see – this, all this, is what the French call d’un beau affreux, what the Germans call hubsch-hasslich – the ugly-beautiful. That which is perceived as ugly transfigures into beautiful. What the post-impressionist painter Paul Gauguin expressed as ‘Le laid peut etre beau’ – The ugly can be beautiful. The dark can give birth to life; suffering can deliver grace” (Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are).

I suppose that any normal or sane person would have given up this series of blogs by now. I mean after all, I’ve achieved what I set out to do in naming one thousand gifts, or blessings, or things I’m thankful for and love. But I have never been a normal person. And as for insanity? I don’t suffer from it at all. I’ve enjoyed every minute of it. Starting at #1,106.

1,106) Hitting 30,000 views on my blog that I started on a lark and never really imagined anyone who wasn’t related to me would find even remotely interesting.

1,107) Marathons of Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers movies on TCM.

1,108) The new car smell.

1,109) People who don’t give up on their dreams even when everything in them and around them tells them to.

1,110) The God who is bigger than the universe knowing when one tiny sparrow falls.

1,111) The amazing talent of Buddy Holly that cut too short by his untimely death.

1,112) Sitting inside of a brand new Camero convertible that I will probably never be able to afford.

1,113) Free music downloads.

1,114) Knowing that all the people I truly care about woke up this morning.

1,115) Rooms lit solely by candlelight.

1,116) Whenever Aslan breathes on someone and their fears melt away.

1,117) “True Companion” by Marc Cohn, which will be in my wedding whenever I find a future Mrs.

1,118) A well-placed pun.

1,119) Rain beading on the leaves of a tree after rain.

1,120) Just about anything Art Deco.

1,121) That the religious leaders and the Romans and death and hell couldn’t keep Jesus down, because “That’s my King!”

1,122) Reading a good book at night just before I fall asleep.

1,123) Being signed by my Creator and knowing that means I am priceless.

1,124) People who love animals.

1,125) Not having to listen to or hear about politics of any sort.

1,126) Common sense (even though it isn’t all that common these days).

1,127) The ways God has of keeping me humble.

1,128) That at this very moment someone could be saying an eternal “Yes” to Jesus.

1,129) The vision in Revelation of every tongue and every tribe being represented before the throne of God in heaven.

1,130) Seeing a well-made movie adaptation of a good book, such as The Hunger Games.

1,131) The look of a newly-mowed lawn.

1,132) Sharing my favorite books with other people.

1,133) Having Charity as the person who cuts my hair.

1,134) Big Momma’s Pancake Breakfast at Cracker Barrel.

1,135) Zero candy bars (even though they’re not easy to find anymore).

1,136) Natural health remedies.

1,137) Getting the scoop about a movie on Rotten Tomatoes.

1,138) Not taking life for granted anymore.

1,139) That God never takes me for granted ever.

1,140) That I’ll be sleeping in about 20-30 minutes from now.

Things I Love 36: Just Another Day

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“I am a hunter of beauty and I move slow and I keep the eyes wide, every fiber of every muscle sensing all wonder and this is the thrill of the hunt and I could be an expert on the life full, the beauty meat that lurks in every moment. . . . I hunger to taste life” (Ann Voskamp).

“All fear is but the notion that God’s love ends” (Ann Voskamp).

“‘Wherever you are, be all there.’ I have lived the runner, panting ahead in worry, pounding back in regrets, terrified to live in the present, because here-time asks me to do the hardest of all: just open wide and receive” (Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are).

I’m sharing a little secret just between you and me and the internet. When I can’t think of anything else to write about, I’ll be going back to this well. My well of thanksgiving. It’s deep, so deep I can’t see the end of it and it never ever runs dry, no matter what the season or the weather. I can choose to ignore it or to replenish myself by going to it time and time again and drawing from the life-nourishing waters of gratitude and joy and (best of all) eucharisteo. So, I’m lowering my bucket slowly and starting at #1,071.

1,071)  Whenever I get to hear my friend Parker Bradley teach and impart his gift of biblical wisdom.

1,072) That while the devil knows my name but calls me by my sin, God knows my sin yet calls me by name (stolen from Pinterest).

1,073) Having new friends and new memories from this week’s VBS at Set Free.

1,074) My iPhone now has 850 songs on it and enough variety to drive a left-brained person batty.

1,075) Experiencing life through all five senses of sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell.

1,076) Warm fleece blankets on a cold winter’s day.

1,077) The way my sister’s dog Ellie practically dances on her hind legs whenever she sees me.

1,078) Having said dog asleep in my lap as I write this list.

1,079) Being on level 47 in Candy Crush Saga.

1,080) Having Thursday nights set aside as my weekly downtown Franklin nights.

1,081) Finally finding my “lost” book of Emily Dickinson poetry.

1,082) The biopic on the life of St. Francis of Assisi called “Brother Sun, Sister Moon.”

1,083) Being able to visit my 88-year old grandmother in her assisted living apartment.

1,084) Appreciating a really expensive car like a Lamborghini but not wanting or feeling the need to own one.

1,085) That Christ is strongest when I’m at my weakest.

1,086) All 1,078 blogs that I’ve written in just over 3 years of blogging.

1,087) This, the 1,079th blog.

1,088) Not being defined by a job (or lack of one).

1,089) How my sister’s dog and my cat get along so well.

1,090) That new haircut feeling.

1,091) That the place where I get my haircut is right next door to a Starbucks.

1,092) Playing a game of Apples to Apples where the players don’t take it so literally and seriously.

1,093) Leftover pizza.

1,094) Another slow and calm Sunday afternoon.

1,095) Reading books like Foxes’ Book of Martyrs and seeing so many example of what people endured for and because of the love of Jesus.

1,096) Good fired-up black gospel preachin’!

1,097) Almost 2,000 years of believers leaving a legacy of love for me to follow.

1,098) Fortune cookies at Chinese restaurants.

1,099) Being able to get the weather forecast on my iPhone.

1,100) The New American Bible translation.

1,101) Adam and Ashley leading worship at the 11:11 service.

1,102) My well-disguised coffee concoctions with 20 percent coffee and the rest made up of creamer and sugar.

1,103) Trapper Keepers.

1,104) That there’s nothing and no person and no situation God can’t use for His glory and my good.

1,105) Being alive today.

Set Free VBS- Day Three

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I’m pretty sure I’ll have no trouble getting to sleep tonight. I’m tired, but it’s a very good tired. I spent most of day three of Vacation Bible School taking pictures with my REAL camera, i.e. not a camera phone, but one with interchangeable lenses and telescopic zoom capabilities. I took 220 pictures today, compared with 83 for the first two days combined. And it was hot. Did I mention that?

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It was beautiful seeing so many children (over 100 all together) seeing the love of Jesus lived out with flesh and blood by people who gave up their time to come to an impoverished part of town where there were no TV cameras or any other kind of media present.

The main verse of this year’s VBS was 1 Timothy 1:7–  “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control” (from the Amplified Bible).

Many of these kids know fear all too well. Maybe it’s from gangs or from abusive parents. Maybe it’s fear of never breaking out of the cycle of poverty. Whatever the case, Jesus didn’t come to perpetuate that cycle but to break it. His perfect love casts out fear and when he comes into a human heart, He brings power to overcome fear, love that replaces the fear, and self-control to make good choices and not keep up the cycle of fear and hate.

SONY DSCThis week, the Kingdom of God broke through a little more. The Set Free neighborhood may not look any different, but I truly believe that the Spirit of God dispelled the spirit of fear for a little while and people saw what life could be like apart from that fear. People saw what living in the true joy and peace that belonging to Jesus brings.

I was so blessed to be even a small part of what God is doing and has been doing in this neighborhood. I know God changed at least one life over the course of this week– mine. I can’t ever go back to who I was last week or see the world the way I used to see it. God has broken my heart a little more and made it bigger. Hopefully, I’m becoming more and more of a conduit who receives from God only to give it away to those who need it more than I.

Keep praying for these kids. Keep praying against the spirit of darkness that pervades so much of the area (as well as so many other places in this city). Pray that the seeds planted over the last three days will take root and germinate and turn into a harvest of people coming to know Jesus.

I know I’ll be back next year, God willing. I hope you’ll be there, too.

 

Things I Love 33: The Very Last One . . . Or Is It?

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“Christian hands never clasp
and He doesn’t give gifts for gain
because a gift can never stop being a gift –
it is always meant to be given” (Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are).

“The whole of the life — even the hard — is made up of the minute parts, and if I miss the infinitesimals, I miss the whole. These are new language lessons, and I live them out. There is a way to live the big of giving thanks in all things. It is this: to give thanks in this one small thing. The moments will add up” (Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are).

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Hopefully, by the end of this you will have seen a picture of gratitude and thanksgiving and how joy in the smallest things can radically alter your perspective and change your life. Truly, eucharisteo (thanksgiving with joy) precedes the miracle. So, I pick up where I left off at #971.

971) Homemade chili with shredded cheese and crumbled crackers on top.

972) Batman movie marathons.

973) Jesus never calls the equipped but equips the called.

974) My sister Leigh’s cat Gracie, who was the sweetest and best cat I’ve ever known. RIP, my little friend.

975) Fage Greek yogurt.

976) Switching to Verizon.

977) God’s perfect timing.

978) 5.1 Dolby Surround Sound.

979) The brilliance of The Screwtape Letters.

980) “If you build it, they will come.”

981) Whenever a bad guy in the movies gets what’s coming to him.

982) Whenever Jesus changes the bad guy into a good guy (because basically without Jesus and grace we’re all bad guys deep down).

983) Whenever I matter enough to someone for them to make time for me.

984) Having seen every single episode of the X-Files (and both movies).

985) Casual Fridays at work.

986) Blessing and serving Jesus by serving the least of these.

987) Snow on Christmas Eve.

988) That my value doesn’t decrease because of someone’s inability to see it (again “borrowed from a Facebook post).

989) The Home Alone movies (well, the first two anyway).

990) The level ground at the foot of the Cross.

991) That real heroes don’t wear costumes.

992) The mute button for those annoying TV commercials.

993) The way Lucy the Wonder Kitty purrs when she eats.

994) That while people may argue theology and semantics, no one can argue with a transformed life.

995) The way Jack Cardiff, famous cinematographer, interplayed light and shadow.

996) That God’s not done with me yet.

997) The slow steady rhythms of a Sunday afternoon.

998) Finally being brave enough to take risks and step boldly out in faith.

999) The little children’s book J.R.R. Tolkien wrote called Roverandom about a little toy dog.

1000) That I’ve decided that 1,000 really isn’t enough and there will be more coming soon to a blog near you.

Things I Love 28: ‘Cause It’s The End of The World As We Know It . . . And I Feel Fine

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“When we lay the soil of our hard lives open to the rain of grace and let joy penetrate our cracked and dry places, let joy soak into our broken skin and deep crevices, life grows. How can this not be the best thing for the world? For us?” (Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are)

I think part of joy is being okay with not knowing the answers or how any given story within the Greater Story will end. It’s having peace in the midst of so much that remains unresolved and unexplained. And if that doesn’t work, eat a cookie. That always makes me feel better. So here we are coming down to the last few blogs of the series, starting at #801.

801) That a colossal and epic fiasco such as King David could be called later “a man after God’s own heart,” proving that what matters isn’t so much how big your failure was, but how great God is to turn even that into something praiseworthy and good.

802) The avocado lime ranch dressing I had on my Cobb salad tonight at Chick-fil-A.

803) The fact that Aslan a.k.a. Jesus isn’t safe but He’s good.

804) The amazing illustrations by Alan Lee in the Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit commemorative editions.

805) When in the middle of an already fantastic Buddy Miller/Jim Lauderdale/Patty Griffin concert they brought out Robert Plant to do a few songs. Only in Nashville.

806) Walking in downtown Nashville at night in the rain.

807) How the love of Abba Father for His children will never come to an end.

808) Looking through old high school and college yearbooks.

809) The Neverending Story.

810) When my church celebrates those rare couples who have been married 50 years or longer (and how much collective wisdom is in one room at one time on those nights).

811) Thinking about a particular song and then hearing it on the radio.

812) Tuesday nights.

813) Nights that turn into mornings, friends that turn into family, dreams that turn into reality, and likes that turn into love (borrowed from a Facebook post).

814) The episode of Friends with the couch– “Pivot! Pivot! Pivot!”

815) Reading through the Catholic Bible in 2013 (or as I like to call it, The Director’s Cut of the Bible).

816) That if I love God with everything and love my neighbor as I love myself I fulfill the Whole Law.

817) That Jesus already fulfilled the Whole Law in my place and traded His perfection for my poor efforts.

818) Heaven being described as that feeling you get on the first day of summer break from school and knowing that feeling will last forever.

819) The neverending possibility of God breaking through into my life at any moment.

820) Cheese crackers.

821) Having a car with 127,000 miles on it.

822) Being left-handed (at least when it comes to writing and eating).

823) The way Mike Glenn used the lyrics to a Jackson Browne song so effectively in his sermon last Sunday.

824) Marvin the Martian and his tennis shoes always wanting to blow up the Earth.

825) Not being married to any of the Kardashians.

826) The occasional scary movie.

827) Everything Elvis ever recorded at Sun Studio.

828) Johnny Cash’s autobiography (the one called Cash).

829) The way my cat looks at me sometimes as if to say, “Seriously, dude?”

830) The recent fact I learned that every face you dream about is of someone you’ve seen before, even if only for a fleeting moment.

831) Mustard-sized faith that moves mountains.

832) Just about all the movies Tom Hanks made in the 80’s.

833) Always having a second chance because of Jesus.

834) The movie Clueless.

835) “The Living Years” by Mike + The Mechanics.

Things I Love 12: Tested And Approved by Lucy The Wonder Kitty

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Lucy is in my lap, approving  whatever I type. Of course, she can’t read, but if she could, she would add her own comments (most of which would not be fit to print in a family-style blog such as this one). So I’ll take her silence as either approval or extreme sleepiness.

The list commences with #264 (I think).

264) Ice-cold water to quench my thirst on a humid summer day.

265) A long walk alone under a full moon at night (as opposed to all those moonlit walks during the day).

266) That I’m finally at a place where I’m comfortable alone or in a crowd.

267) Planned spontaneity.

268) That I’ve come to the place where if I never see a certain person ever again (and at the moment it appears very likely to be the case), that I will be glad for the friendship; I will miss her, but my life will go on.

269) Those quiet moments of peace where God speaks into my silence.

270) That with God, every day is a day to look forward to.

271) Reading collects out of The Book of Common Prayer and seeing my own prayers expressed better than I could ever put them.

272) That this blog site has spell-check so that I can appear smarter than I really am, i.e. that I can actually spell.

273) That I really don’t have to be friends with everyone or have everyone like me to be content.

274) That everything will be fine in the end, and if it’s not fine, it’s not the end.

275) Good lines from good movies (like the one I just referenced earlier).

276) Chocolate bars with bacon in them (it sounds gross, but tastes divine).

277) All of my quirks

278) That I have to show my driver’s license to prove that I really am the age I say I am.

279) That even though Jon Acuff might have more readers for one blog than I’ve had for all my 1,000+ blogs combined, that I have touched and impacted lives that wouldn’t have been touched and impacted had I chosen not to write a blog.

280) That I can use bad grammar, and bad punctuation, in my blogs, if I so, choose.

281) Those rare times when the Church is known for what it’s for rather than what it’s against.

282) That I can learn something from anybody, no matter what their philosophical, theological, political or social beliefs and regardless of whether or not they have the same worldview as mine.

283) That hamburger from The Pharmacy with bacon, ham, and a fried egg (10,000 calories of deliciousness!)

284) That the last spoken words from Jesus in the Bible aren’t a condemnation but an invitation.

285) When I talk into a box fan and make my voice sound like a robot.

286) That being grown-up doesn’t always mean having to be mature all the time.

287) That the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases.

288) The way my cat Lucy hovers when she goes to the bathroom.

289) Not knowing all the answers (or even all of the questions).

290) A perfectly made and perfectly thrown paper airplane.

291) That I saw the actual Batmobile from the campy 60’s TV show tonight in downtown Franklin

292) That this list will continue– maybe tomorrow, maybe not. You’ll just have to tune in tomorrow to find out. Same bat time, same bat channel.

For When You Feel Like Giving Up

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Maybe you’ve felt like giving up lately. Maybe you’ve been so discouraged and disillusioned that the prospect of another day sounds daunting and the idea of giving up sounds appealing. Instead of going out there and fighting, it would be so much easier to stay home and pop bon-bons while watching daytime TV.

Maybe you feel like things will never get better, that the way things are now is the best they will ever get. Maybe your faith is at a low ebb and your motivation is slipping. It seems like nothing you do makes anything better, so why try? Even prayer seems mechanical rather than heartfelt and you feel like the biggest phony when you pray.

Keep praying. Even if it’s nothing more than reciting the Lord’s Prayer or repeating a simple phrase like “Abba Father” over and over, keep praying. Keep getting out of bed and getting out there and believing in better days.

God has a way of putting the right people into your life at just the right moment. God has a way of speaking comfort and encouragement from his Word or from random conversations with friends.

It’s easy to give up, but it’s harder to live with the regret of what might have been had you kept on trying. The Bible speaks about how trying circumstances and challenges build endurance, which builds character, which leads to a hope that doesn’t disappoint. That’s from what I like to call the GJV version of the Bible.

My prayer for you is that you keep putting one foot in front of the other and as you do, you find the next step a little easier than the last. My prayer is that you find unexpected blessing and encouragement when you need it most. My prayer is that you will take what you learn in these dark times and share it with someone else who is going through the same thing.

Don’t give up. God is faithful and he will get you through it.