I am not an end-times expert, so these signs are for entertainment purposes only. Kinda like those 1-800-PSYCHIC HOTLINE numbers, but with nothing even remotely psychic involved. You know the end is nigh upon us when:

1) The Chicago Cubs are actually favored to win the World Series. Forget them actually winning. Even the merest possibility of them getting there is a sign that the end draweth nigh.

2) There will be no more Left Behind-related books by either Jerry Jenkins or Tim LaHaye.

3) When we finally elect someone for President of the United States who is actually qualified to be President of the United States. Unlike the last 4 or 5 (just so you know I am not picking on one side or the other).

4) Gas is less than $1 a gallon again. Or maybe we finally get to the point where we no longer need gas to run our cars.

5) When Westboro Baptist Church members start acting nice to other people and paying them compliments.

6) On the day after the last Simpson’s episode (which will probably be after season 50).

7) When a girl actually agrees to marry me (yes, this one is particularly in jest).

8) When Apple products aren’t overpriced and when PCs don’t crash.

9) When there’s actually something good on television on a Friday night.

10) When I get all of my NCAA bracket picks right.

11) When box hockey becomes an official Olympic sport (and it actually should be way before the Apocalypse comes).

12) When I stop using so many parentheses (and I do realize that I sometimes go overboard on them at times).

13) When I come up with a sign for #13.

14) Hopefully not before I’ve seen every episode of Friends (again just kidding with that one so no nasty emails please).

15) Probably when all the hoopla about the end-times dies down and no one is really talking about it or expecting it to come. And probably when I’ve finally bought that winning lottery ticket.