If my cat could talk . . . no wait, she talks all the time. . . if she could lower herself to speak human. . . .what would she say? I think I have an idea.

Hello, person. This is me, the most beautiful and most important feline in your life speaking. That being said, I have a few complaints.

Why do you insist upon calling me “my fat widdle kitty?” I am not “widdle”. I am above average for my species, which unfortunately is not a bengal tiger. Yes, I am a common housecat. But I plan on upgrading in my next life. So be nice to me.

Also, what’s with the food situation? I don’t pay you to keep my food bowl half empty. Oh wait, I don’t pay you at all. My bad. Still, how can I keep up my beautiful shape if I can’t have my daily 15 meals plus snacks? And someone (who is NOT me) keeps barfing near my food bowl. It’s really gross and you should pick it up sooner.

I could go on. Not being able to go outside or lounge on the table. Really? You’d think by the way I was treated that I was some sort of pet or something.

But I do like you. I like the way your clothes smell and I like to lie on them when you’re gone and pretend I’m taking a nap in your lap. I like the way you take care of me and I hope to stick around as long as I can. I’ll try really hard.

Now back to that food bowl, human!